You Will Remember Me

Search and Rescue

BB

For most of the trip to New Mexico, Bucky remained silent. He stayed toward the back while Clint and Steve sat up front, discussing infiltration tactics. Bucky didn't bother listening in; he never worked with a team as the Winter Soldier and he didn't need one as Bucky Barnes.

Those were the sort of bitter thoughts that were running through Bucky's mind: the light feeling from yesterday was gone, and with it went the little bit of his old self that was coming back. He was left the broken shell that remained when he was no longer the Winter Soldier, but not Bucky either. Thankfully, Steve was too preoccupied in whatever he and Clint were discussing that he didn't notice the change and Bucky didn't have to deal with his concerning over him.

Instead, he sat in the corner, quiet, lost in thought.

Mostly, they were memories of Sam. He thought of every single thing he did that led her closer to her death, and every single thing he could have done differently to save her. Steve had told him not to blame himself, but how could he not? If he had just left, if he had kept pushing and carried her to the city, if he had stayed awake and kept watch at that barn...everything he could have changed played over and over in his mind in a list.

"I promise you, I'm okay. I know you'll grieve me, you'll try to convince yourself that you did this, but it wasn't your fault." He remembered her saying.

That wasn't even her. He thought. That was in my mind.

Bucky leaned against the cold metal of the quinjet's wall. He was tired; despite the sleep he had gotten, nightmares prevented it from being very effective. He was also hungry. They hadn't had time to get anything to eat before they left, and it had been three hours since he had woken up. It was still another two hours before they would arrive in New Mexico.

He didn't want to bother Steve for two reasons: he didn't want to give Steve yet another thing to worry about, and he wasn't in the mood for social interaction. With anyone.

So, Bucky remained silent. At least until Steve approached him an hour later.

"Here, Buck." He said, holding something out for Bucky to take. It was a package, small and rectangular. Bucky slowly took it as Steve sat beside him.

Please go away. He silently pleaded. Yes, he wanted Steve near; they had just found each other after 70 years of Steve being frozen and Bucky working as a Soviet assassin. But he didn't want his pity or his "It wasn't you, Buck"s. He just wanted to be left alone.

Bucky made no move to communicate or interact in any way, just took the package and resumed staring at the same spot on the quinjet's floor. He wasn't even sure what the package was, but the label said something about "Oates 'n Honey", so he figured it was food.

"How ya holdin' up?" Steve asked. Bucky didn't answer.

"Is something wrong?" He tried again.

"'m just tired." Bucky mumbled. He knew Steve wouldn't believe his lame excuse but hoped he would take that as the hint to leave him alone. They were both quiet for a minute, and though Steve hadn't left, Bucky was content. He sensed awkwardness between the two that always seemed to be there, and he knew it most likely always would be, but he knew Steve wasn't about to say anything. Bucky was grateful for that.

Suddenly, Steve stood. He still didn't say anything, just gave Bucky a light pat between the shoulder blades and walked back up to the front with Barton. After a few minutes, Bucky looked at the package again and began unwrapping it. It was a granola bar, or, well, technically two. When he took a bite, he found the taste to be quite pleasant. Much better than what he and Steve used to eat for breakfast most mornings.