Nothing But A Dream

Chapter 9

I am very antagonistic about how my dreams end the exact same. What the hell is actually going on? These dreams somehow start from the beginning, and it's upsetting. Why can't they just start from where I left off? Does my brain just not comprehend anything at all? I hate it so much. It makes me feel like I'm in love with a fairytale and not a real person. I lack so much of something that it creates these scenarios. It's extremely exasperating. I want everything to be real, I don't just want to have to think it's real. I want what my dreams make of me and him. I want to tell him how I feel, but it's just not that damn simple!

I lay on my bed, motionless. I place my hand under my chest, and I can feel my heart beating. I ket out a soft sigh, and I grab my book and read light and read. I'm on Chapter 6 of The Secret History now. The chapters are really long because the book has about 8 chapters in total. Long chapters aren't my thing, but the book is a wonderful read!

About 3 hours later, I place the book on the side of my bed and head to the restroom. My face feels dirty, and I hate the feel of it. While I started to wash my face, I began to cry. The tears mingled easily with the ice cold water in the luminous, dripping crimson of my cupped fingers. I wasn't really aware I was crying. The sobs were regular and emotionless. It was like dry heaves. There was no reason for this. At least, that's what I tell myself.

It's about 4:30 in the morning. My sleep schedule has been irregular ever since these dreams started. It's upsetting how much sleep I'm losing, but it's like a Doomed Love story is being written in my head. Well, whoever this author is, better write it well! I can hear the pounding sounds of the rain hitting against the roof. I look outside, and the rain is shadowing under a lamp post, and u can't see just how fast the rain is accelerating.

I lay staring at the ceiling, forcing myself to go back to sleep, but my body doesn't want to. I feel like no matter what, I will always be thinking about him. And it's annoying because I don't wanna think about someone I could never have! No matter what, no one would love a freak like me. No one would. And I don't just want anyone, I want him.

I can't possibly move on from the thought of him or him in general. I want him to be in my life. I want someone like him to be there with me through my lows, and so I can be there with him through his lows. I wanna give him everything. I wanna feel his body against mine, his breath on my neck and his eyes taking my soul right out of my body.

I lay, and I weep of such tragic sorrows. My body aches with every tear that seeps down my face. My nose has been plugged, and I can hardly breathe. I pick up my phone and open snap. "Him♡: opened 4 hrs ago." I placed my phone back down and let out a tense sigh. He can tell me over and over again just how much he loves me texting him, I just feel like I'm a burden to everyone. That no one actually wants to talk to me.

But, everyone has their own lives and do their own things. They are busy, asleep, or plain out, ignoring you. Just, I feel so empty, like I lost a part of me. A bit dramatic and over the top? Heck yeah, but I really can't help it. Schools are about to start up again, and I have no idea what I am gonna do. Like once we start school, we'll fade apart. His friends HATE me. So, there is no way I can hang out with him, I myself am too scared.

But, getting to hopefully stare into the eyes that bring me back to life again is something I look forward to. Everything else is a faded mindset that I'm trying not to think too much of. I look at my phone set down on my dresser, I stare at it for 5 minutes, drifting off into my mind. I wanna talk to him, but there's always that. "What if he finds me annoying?" It's hopeless for me. Nothing is cut out to ever be perfect for me, or even the slightest bit of good.

I have tryouts this week and link crew training to help incoming freshmen on their orientation day. I'm not a fan because they scare the crap out of me. They're so young but so hateful. Their hearts are nothing but pure black, well from what I see and know. But I can't speak for everyone, a good majority, at the least. Tryouts I hope to make libero on the varsity team. Last year, I was Junior Varsity and honestly wasn't super hard but was pretty difficult. We were short on players, though. One got into a bad accident and wasn't able to play anymore. We all managed, though, and ended the season well. Lost a lot. But we learned a lot in return.

It's about 5 in the morning now. And I've still been struggling to fall asleep. These dreams are ruining my sleep schedule, like honestly. I don't wanna be in love with a fairytale, a real person, but a fake scenario. I want a real person with real scenarios. I want to actually feel his touch and not feel like his hands aren't even on me. I wanna plunge my face into his chest and stay there for hours on end. I want him to hold me, I wanna be there for him. But it's all fake.

It will never be real!! Not long before it's morning, and everyone is awake. I have training today and I need to be there at 9. I'm not ready for this, but if it helps me to graduate with Honor, then so be it. I take a seat in the back of the car instead of the front, and my mom pulls out of the driveway. And I open my book to read when my eyes feel heavy, and I fall asleep, hitting my head against the car window.