Nothing But A Dream

Chapter 10 ~Dream~

!!!TRIGGER WARNING
[SELF HARM]!!!

My heart is pounding hard against my chest, my hands are shaking violently, and my vision is blurring. I'm pacing back and forth in my room, trying to loosen all these tensed up muscles. Who knew that having a strong passion for someone is so... overwhelming? And I don't mean it in like a bad way on the person part. But more so, their own feelings towards you, their friends, and their family. It brings so much distraught into my brain. It's like all it runs on is negativity, and the only positive thing is him, but even at that, it seems like all I do is bother him

I check my phone like 16 times per minute, and every time, there isn't any message. I faintly remember him wanting to tell me something, but that hasn't happened yet, and I'm unscrewing my brain at every thought of what he just might say. I finally sit down on my bed and drift off into my thoughts yet again. What if he's playing me on, but what if he actually likes me and wants to be with me, but what if he's seeing how big of a fool I am. Maybe yet, he's trying to make a joke out of me. I'm starting to overthink every little communication I've had with him since we met. Have I been too much? Do I text him too much? Do I seem desperate? Obsessed? I don't know, but I know for a fact that he probably won't ever like me back or even know I like him.

My phone lights up with a snapchat message. I tap on it before I open it, and it's him. My heart picks up its pace, and I feel about ready to explode with every beat that occurs. I look in the mirror, and my face is whipped of its color. My face is as white as the lines intersecting the street. I grab my phone and open the message. "I'm sorry, Safira, but I just see you the same way. I understand every bit of the hints you're giving me, and I just don't feel anything for you." My face starts to feel cold and less warm. I continue to read the message. "My friends don't really like you either. They think of you as someone desperate and naive. Selfish and crude." My hands shake to where the messages become a blur. I toss my phone across the room and let out sharp, painful cries.

Every tear falling from my pained eyes burns. My face starts to sting like someone is poring acid on open wounds. I scream till I can hardly breathe, to where my lungs pierce with every breath that I take. Every last feeling I had for him fades faster than the speed of light. I'd rather be stabbed 1000 times than be told how they and their friends see me; their awful words break every bit of my body till there is nothing left. I wanted him so much that I loved him so much, I saw him in a way that brightened up my sorrows, which made me forget them. Every compliment pieced every last broken part of my heart, but now it's been shattered all over again.

I form my hands into a tight fist, my face starts to warm up, and I can feel the hurt and anger running through my veins. I punch the wall hard and harder till my knuckles go numb and ache with pain. I stopped and looked at the wall, then at my knuckles, and the blood was running down my hands as fast as those tears were running down my face. "WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!!" I shout. My tears aren't out of sorrow, but anger and pain. My tears multiply with every punch I make. My hands are so sore and numb. I end up stopping because I can't feel any physical pain.

I rush into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, I'm a hot mess. My eyes are puffy, sweat mingles with the tears still strolling down my face. I rub the tears away, forgetting my hands are covered in blood. I get up at the sudden warmth plastered on my face. My cheeks have been painted with the blood of my hands, and that's when it's washed away by more tears flushing from my eyes. I grab a towel and place it under the faucet until it's soaked with ice-cold water. I wipe away the blood and the salty tears away, leaving no signs of a broken heart other than my large puffy pink eyes.

If you had seen me and did not understand the situation, you would have thought I was high off my rockets. Liked I smoked a lot of pot. Luckily, my stomach turns at the smell of it, so luck to me. I won't have to become addicted to it. I exit out of the bathroom and grab my glasses off of the floor along with my phone on the other side of the room. I pick it up to see another message from him, but I don't read it more, so I reply with an empty response: "Goodbye Mason." I replied. Another text comes in fast, but I don't open the message, I don't block him, but I unfriend him and delete the conversation from my feed.

I understand completely that no one has to like me, and my heart will be broken more and more times the older I get. And I wouldn't have been filled with anger, but more so a desolate feeling. But the way he adds how his friends view me, like I needed to know just how negatively others perceive me. Am I doing something wrong? Maybe I should shut myself out from other people and keep to myself. Opening up to others just leaves an empty and broken heart. I wish I could fins those who would grieve to even think of not having me around. I wanna feel wanted and needed, I wanna feel loved and cherished like none other. But, I can't get ahead of myself. That will never happen, I can't set such high expectations.

I rub my eyes, and I wake up from such a horrid dream I wish to never come true