POTS ~ The struggle of standing

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Juno:

Numb the feeling. This used to be your normal. Just because it got better, doesn't mean it can't get worse. It's okay. Even tho it might not feel like it right now. Even tho your sister used to cry when it would happen. Even tho it was never really anyone's fault. It is NOT your fault, Juno. Even when it may feel like so at times.

It would be okay. He had his Eliot now. And of course dearest Hazel.

Breath. In and out. Ind and out. His heart felt heavy, like it had done so countless times before. But it was still beating. That he made sure of. And that was enough for now.

Juno tried to focus and think about what happened. Making it make sense and understand why he had done what he did, sometimes worsened what he felt, but other times it worked out for him.

So what happened?

He had fought with his father. It would be okay, but for now it was okay to feel this way. He was alone in his room, he had made sure to lock it, in case his father would go in and continue the fight. It was never physical. It had never been. And he didn't think it would become that, well he hope it never would. Instead, it was verbal. And to put it verbally; it destroyed him. It took his guts, looked at them carefully and matched them up, till the only trace left of them, was the blood laying sticky around the crime scene.

What had brought it up? Juno asked himself.

Juno's father had talked with his mother today. That never ended well. They had tried their best to work through their differences when they moved apart. Having a child each. Juno's sister had lived at their mother's, and he, at his father's. But when his sister died, it changed. We were all mourning. Each in our own ways. His father was crying. And in his anger, had blamed Juno's mother. His mother grew cold and distant. She wanted to see Juno again. To see that she still had a child left. That the world wasn't burning up, like it was burning n her own mind. But his father wouldn't allow that, since she couldn't even take care of their older child. Distrust fell like leafs in autumn. Like dew on the early mornings. Like tea leaves when the boiling water hits and your glasses turns fuzzy. They didn't see each other for a long time after that. They all grew apart emotionally. And Juno stayed with his father.

When he and his father fought, his father so often tended to tear up old wounds. Bringing up mistakes he had done before, both relatively recently and from years ago. He father would often explain how terrible a person his mother was, and compare Juno to her. But worst of all, he would bring up her: his older sister.

Juno didn't get pocket money from his father, he did at some point, but his father must have forgotten and never remembered. Juno had gotten a part time job in a supermarket, like most young people. He was scraping together money for when he would get out of here and have a place of his own.

He had some secret sweets stashed in the back of a drawer. He needed something in his stomach (tummy) to fill the empty hole he felt. He knew it was unhealthy, but he did so anyway.

What a weird world we live in.

When he'd calmed down and gotten something to eat, he took his headphones and put on some music. Music always helped. Then he decided to call Eliot.

(Hey my little weirdo's!
Now there is some more trauma for you all <3

Last week or so, when I unfortunately had to bike to school (There's literally 6 kilometres T-T), I randomly found an open computer and some papers on the ground. I live in the countryside, so I didn't want to leave it there, so I took it with me home. Then today one of my friends who I go way back with visited, and helped me find out who's things it was, and then the owner came and got it. That was nice. And really random. Here I thought weird things only happen to normal people. I guess you just have to take what comes your way.

Yeah, that's the life lesson for today. Have a splendid night/day everyone!
Love you -The Author.)