The Bad Fairy (girlxgirlxgirl)

36. Self hatred

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"Your Grace!"

When Evangeline returns home after a month on travelling foot, her eyes are swollen and she does her best to hide it by looking too unapproachable to be gazed at. Her glare, the blood dripping of her clothes and the sneer over her face is enough to have all of her servants scurrying away faster than the wind could take them.

The hallways of her large estate are left empty and hollow, with nothing but her heavy footsteps following her.

Except Juno, of course, who rushes up to her with a look in her eye that she always has. Worried, a little scared, but mostly just willing to serve. And Evangeline doesn't want to see that expression anymore. The more she breathes in the air of the higher realm, the more it begins to tear at her chest. It feels like her lungs are compressed, unable to take in any breathable air. Her entire body feels stiff and unwilling to do anything. Her eyes sting, and it certainly has nothing to do with the fact that she was pretending that middle realm rainfall would hide her tears of anger and frustration.

Angels don't cry, but archangel's definitely do not cry. Evangeline couldn't even imagine any of the higher archangels, let alone herself, letting even a tear pass their waterline. And yet here she was, feeling frustrated and confused, knowing that she has to return and yet wondering why.

How did it come to this? How did she, at her age, from her status, become an archangel? An archangel getting mixed up in all of these terrible political affairs, that makes her feel like her heart could just be ripped out of her throat and it would be nothing compared to the thumping pain in it now? Pain makes her feel violent and angry. She wants to hit something, a statue, maybe. Throw it to the marble floor and watch it crumble.

Because that's what she is, originally. Nothing but a dumb soldier who happened to win some battles and become an archangel. It's so stupid and suddenly, Evangeline can't look at Juno anymore.

She feels incapable. Undeserving of being an archangel. Not good enough to even finish one measly little mission in the middle realm without almost letting it ruin her whole life. Not good enough to resist Anemone's stupid eyes and stupid words, and not good enough to continue searching for Chepi without getting all up in her feelings about it. Not good enough to bring the crystal back home to the angels. A disgrace to herself and to her kind.

"I need to be alone."

She feels stupid for even giving orders anymore. All she can think about are her regrets and how bad she feels about herself. What if Anemone was using her powers on her the entire time? What if she was slowly tricking Evangeline into falling for her so that she would not become a problem in the future? She can't rule out that possibility either, and that on top of a million other possibilities, probabilities, mistakes and losses just keep weighing down on her.

She feels like they were doing nothing but walking around the middle realm during the last few months and she won't be able to face the other archangels with only that result to speak for.

"The archangels are in the meeting room already, your Grace."

Evangeline snaps her head toward the shorter angel, eyes flashing with fear before dying into her usual strict and cold anger. "What? Who let them in without me here?" Or maybe, it's not her usual anger. Rather, it's a more impatient kind.

She's stressed. Panicking, even. Feeling like a part of her is still back there, in the middle realm, and feeling like she should return to get it back. Her eyes probably reflect that panic, or disorientation, because Juno takes up a more calming tone.

"The archangels insisted when they heard you had passed through the loophole."

Evangeline has to take in a deep breath of air to calm herself down.