Roses from Tears

Intimacy 🫂💕

Intimacy. It is something we all desire even if we don't realize it at first.

Around 16 years old a lot of girls my age including my friends and sister started becoming romantically attracted to boys. My sister was always the romantic type, I wasn't. I was tom boyish and thought kissing and romantic stuff was mushy and gross 😂.

Yes I had some crushes over the years but they never lasted long. However, as I grew older the weight of being the responsible one started getting too heavy. I wanted to have someone take care of me instead. To care about my emotions and my needs, as I was always looking out for everybody else. My twin sister used to be that person for me, however ever since my father left she had slowly been drifting away from me. Her distance became more apparent when lock down happened as my mom still had to work leaving only me and my sister home together. With all the trauma our family had gone through we could only focus on our own issues and my sister's demons were many.

I was on my own... so it made it easy to fantasize over the two boys I started to like before lock down. It was easy because I didn't know them that well and because the thought of someone (especially an attractive guy) being interested in me, and wanting to connect with and understand me was really appealing. Also in real life no guys were interested in me which didn't help my desire to be happy and in love. I tended to befriend guys more easily than girls because they were more "real" with less drama. So this fueled my reason to fall into fantasy instead. Erotica often helped me create stories in my head with the men I desired. I am disgusted and ashamed now of what I did. I know one day they will know as God reads from the book of life and it horrifies me 💀. God says that if you look with lust you commit adultery in your heart ( which is why I am grateful for Jesus's sacrifice which covers me🤧).

As you know trying to quit cold turkey didn't work so well 😅. The reason being that I had nothing to replace what met my needs for intimacy, no matter how temporary and futile porn was. The need for intimacy was always going to be there which was the root of the problem. You can't just cut off something you're dependent on to meet a certain need without replacing it because you'll just run back.

I learned that God is the best and only replacement. Intimacy is truly met by spending time with the Lord, not engaging in erotica, boys, porn, or masturbation. Only He satisfies. He is all we need so stop making Him your backup plan! Always go to Him first for everything. Jesus is our freedom, our family, friends, love, comfort, validation, LIFE! He is the air we breathe, our food and water. We literally need nothing else! Isn't that amazing!? 😭

Back then I thought I was just a pervert but now I know I just craved intimacy, I craved Jesus. 🥺

God bless and much love! 🫂
🤍 JN