Roses from Tears

He wants you for His own, always.

Hello my beautiful flowers, sorry it's been a while. Life has hit hard lately. Please do check out the song above, it's powerful and a new favorite of mine.

Confessions and Major heart change

I have a confession to make. The beginning of this year I made a promise to God, that I wouldn't betray him again. A foolish thing to say now that I think about it, because I was promising God that I wouldn't betray him when both of us knew that as soon as Satan dangled a delicious looking piece of fruit in front of me I was very likely to take a big juicy bite. I was promising off my own strength once again. And I was doing so without a battle plan. Yes I started off trying to do Bible studies every day and I was very happy about it but then the enemy hit me with a bunch of s*...ahem.. stuff. And again I didn't run to God, I ran to distractions because I was afraid. Afraid that God wouldn't want my dirtiness, my tears, brokenness, hatred, and ugly ickiness. Thing is He did, He does. He wants to hear everything. Just like a spouse He wants you to share everything with Him so He can build you up, love you, give you advice etc. But the thing is He is better than a spouse because unlike all the bad relationships I have seen, He is better. He is perfect! And better yet He can do something about everything that is going on!

Anyways back to the story. I'd been feeling lonely, and Satan had been telling me that I deserved the pain. That I deserved the shame, the loneliness, to be destroyed, to have the counterfeit because the real was too good to be true. And then I was introduced to a really fun video game. It's a good game believe me, but not for me or maybe just not at this time. In this game I could forget what was actually going on in my life, in the game I could be a hero that could constantly start over if something went wrong with no consequences. I had characters in the game that were my friends that actually cared for me. It was a way to flee reality. Then it became a gateway drug into things much worse, things I said I would never touch again. Because I would have to break away from the game but I didn't want to leave the world.

I have this thing when I like something I get obsessed, running down rabbit holes. I look up fanfictions, and playlists based off them and make my own. And so I found some. The playlists had sexy songs, ones commonly heard in edits on tiktoks or reels that are extremely addictive, tickling your brain and giving you a high of sorts. Ones that make it really easy to imagine the smutty scenarios you read in the fanfictions you dumbly looked up while obsessing over false realities. I am delusional I know. So I am going about this for about two weeks, slowly sinking deeper and deeper into it. Although these songs had questionable messages, I was ignoring them and just enjoying the pleasure I got from the music and what my imagination did with it. It reached the peak last night.

Earlier that day I had begged God to do something if He really did want me He better do something quick. So there I was writhing in my bed to the devil's seductive music, selling my heart and mind to evil. The charming devil whispered pleasure to me, offering the thrill of pain, danger, and destruction. Told me it was all I was ever worth. He said I should finally give into his charms, let him consume me and destroy me and he'd let me continue having fun. I was half considering his offer, a slut in his bed when my prince found me, cheating on him. I had picked up my phone to change to another song when I found my hand gone rigid in His grasp. I was terrified and utterly ashamed to feel his presence but also a bit angry. I wanted to have a little more fun. His whisper was soft but cut straight to my heart. "My darling, what are you doing here?"

Tears started to run down my cheeks as I squirmed, trying to fight Him. He began to tell me the same promises He always has but this time I felt them more deeply. He reminded me of the story of Hosea, said that He loved me and would always take me back. That He was doing what I asked, He was taking me back because He would never let me go and would never stop loving me. He told me He wasn't scared of my dirtiness, that He could make me clean again. He said that yes He was angry but mostly out of jealousy. He was disappointed but could forgive me. He was more mad at the one who tempted me than me for falling into temptation. He pulled me close, and I surrendered and begged His forgiveness. He told me to stop trying so hard, to let Him fix things. He asked me to make Him my obsession. So I turned off my phone, and pushed the seductor away and fell asleep in my true love's arms where I will stay forever.

Don't settle for the counterfeit anymore when there is something so real and authentic, someone! Our beloved Jesus Christ! Stop letting yourself get distracted! If it's a gateway drug and bad for you, get rid of it entirely like it says in Matthew 5:29-30. "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." Hear no evil, see no evil, etc. Don't tempt temptation. I might be more easily trapped than others but it doesn't matter. Flee anything that tempts you no matter how small. So no more secular music for me for a while, limited social media (really limited), and no more Hogwarts legacy for hours straight or just not at all. I don't want to risk cheating on my beloved anymore.

Choose how to do deal with fear. You can either: Forget Everything and Run, or Face Everything and Rise. Choose the second option friend, because forgetting is what the devil wants you to do, because it means you won't learn from your mistakes and will be more likely to come to him. You can only face things with Jesus! Live for and with Jesus!

I love you all friends, and I hope you can learn from my shortcomings and chose our beloved king also!!

God bless you forever and always!

<3 JN