Roses from Tears

Recent thoughts

I dreamed a vivid dream last night. A dream that I wouldn't think I would have. My lust made it into my sleep and there it consumed me. What scares me the most was that unlike usual I didn't push it away. I embraced it and let it consume me. It doesn't disgust me anymore, I've accepted it as part of my identity. But I don't want that, I want to be able to live with yes, it is a fact that I struggle with lust but instead of accepting that as my identity I accept the fact that I am loved by God and forgiven and made new in Him.

 I will not accept the darkness as my home, not when I still have strength in my veins. Not when the sun is still shining. Not when I still have hope, life, breath, and faith in my soul. God knows who I really am and the truth is I don't need a Slytherin boy, I don't need any boy. I just need you Jesus forever and always. I am so sorry I keep sleeping with the devil. Only you understand that that is what this is, a relationship. Romantic and platonic. As a lover I keep cheating, as a daughter I am a prodigal, as a friend I am a backstabber, and as a person, I am a broken sinner. I know you can only breathe life into me. So help me come back. Help me choose you because I can't choose you on my own. 

My mind, heart, and body are in a constant battle for my soul but my soul is yours. It always has been and always will be yours, Jesus. So I need to batten down the hatches and fight this battle finally. I am done not taking it seriously. I know I've said that before but I want to and I will mean it this time. Burn it down, burn it up. Anything that takes up space in my mind and heart. I have to give it up, all of it up and it will not be easy. You are fighting for me again and I see it again and I don't want to ignore it. No, slap me right in the face with truth even if it hurts. Light hurts but darkness is worse because the dark doesn't heal the pain in the process of causing it. Light is a good pain. You are a good pain, stitching my heart back up, pulling the swords from my skin, scrubbing me clean until I am pure white. 

A warrior lives inside of me, she just needs to be given the battle cry and I believe that it is here. It is time to take things seriously. And if I fight alone, I fight alone. The battle is not meant to be easy. I know that and I will stand by it. God, I pray this way. I don't pray easily with words but the Lord brings me to my knees. Turn me into a prayer warrior. I am sick of that devil whispering sweetness into my ears and just turning out to be the villain of my story who only wants my downfall no matter how much he promises me happiness. So stand by me Lord just like always. And I will try to stand by you, no I will stand by you with your help. Don't let go of me.