How to Save a Life (Niall Horan)

Chapter 18: Lifeless

Ellie’s POV

Panic rose in my stomach as the tears continued to pour out of my eyes.

“God no. Please God no.” I started crying and ran over to my father’s bedside. This couldn’t be happening. I need him now. Now of all times. It wasn’t happening. It wasn’t happening.

“Dad!” I yelled, reaching out to shake him. His eyes remained closed as he moved limply with my shoves. His head was bent at an awkward angle and all the color in his face was gone. He was ghost white and his lips were tinged a bluish color. I let out a choked sob and shook him harder, desperately begging for him to open his eyes.

It never happened.

I collapsed in a heap, my knees on the floor and my upper body lying across my unmoving father. This wasn’t possible. He still had two more months! They gave him six months! Not four! At least six! He was strong! He should still be fighting!

I slowed my cries enough to see if I could hear a heart beat or feel his chest rising and falling. I bit my lip, forcing myself to remain quiet. He was all I had left. This has to be a dream.

I turned and looked at his face. It was frail and hollow looking, but also strangely peaceful. I knew at that moment that he was gone. Free of his pain and arguing. Free of me.

“I’m so sorry Daddy.” I bawled, reaching out my hand which was shaking violently and stroking his cool face, passing my hand over his mouth and nose in one last hope to find breathing or any sign of life, but once again, I felt nothing.

He truly was gone.

Pain, guilt, anger, betrayal, and everything else you could imagine filled me in that moment. It was too much. I felt like I could barely stand up.

The one thing ringing through my head were the last words I had said to my father.

“So shut the fuck up!”

I didn’t tell him I loved him before I left. I didn’t tell him he meant the world to me. I didn’t say that I’ll always love him no matter what. I told him to shut the fuck up.

“How could I have done this?” I sobbed, burying my face in my hands. “How could I have been so selfish and blind?!” I didn’t know why I was talking to myself. I didn’t know anything anymore. I knew nothing.

I cried out every last tear I had. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My father was dead and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I was so nasty to him when he was just looking out for me and had been right all along. Now I would never be able to apologize or tell him he was right. He was fucking gone.

“I-I can’t do this.” I croaked out, pulling myself to my feet. I couldn’t with myself. I had nothing. I was worthless. The last thing I had said to my dying father was to shut the fuck up. I was a horrid excuse for a human being.

Niall wasn’t here to stop me this time. No one needed me anymore. I was fucking done. My Dad left. It’s my turn. Maybe I’d get to see him again. Maybe he’d let me apologize.

Right now, nothing seemed more glorious than to be off of this planet and away from the pain. Right now the only thing I wanted to do was to see my family again and beg for their forgiveness.

I stumble out of the room, occasionally leaning against the wall to stay on my feet as I clambered into the bathroom.

“Fucking useless.” I spat to myself. “Fucking pathetic. Worthless. Disgusting. A waste of space.” I continued insulting myself as I swung the door the medicine cabinet open and started to fumble around inside in search of anything I could get my hands on. I pulled out bottle after bottle, medication after medication.