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Kalhi: A Living Mansion

Writer: Radix56
Story: A Living Mansion
Reviewer: kalhixo

A Living Mansion is a short story of a thief walking into a haunted mansion with no idea if he’ll make it out alive.

The story of Beldwin is a troubled and penniless one, something he wishes to change. But he doesn’t find the treasure he went looking for. Only a girl who wants to play.

A Living Mansion’s cover is quite fitting for it’s spooky mood. The title stands out with a clear font. The only suggestion I’d like to make is for the mansion background to have more contrast colors because I had to zoom in to recognize it.

GENRE

– I haven’t read many one-shots in horror, but if this had a blurb that a reader can parse before clicking in, it’s definitely a story I would consider reading.

–It matches up to my expectations of the genre with elements like the haunted house, scary paranormal entities and the healthy dose of skeptism by the main character.

CHARACTERS

– Beldwin was the centerpiece of the story even though it’s a horror novel. I think he’s a good anchor. I think the fact that he doesn’t believe the rumors because he’s never met or seen anyone who’d gone crazy like that makes readers like him more. Usually, horror readers are hungry for a sensible character. Someone they think has a chance of surviving.

– The character arc is not complete in my opinion. With how the story was going, I expected Beldwin would overcome his hesitance to fire a gun - he didn’t have the courage to save his family, but he would not repeat his mistakes and save himself from the scary little girl. This is just an example of how a complete arc would look like. However, him being stuck in an illusion where he does nothing but accept it is a little lack lustre.

THEME

– I liked the whole idea of the mansion’s spirit being a manifestation of the character’s dark past. That really resonated with me. You believe the monster into reality. That’s a good concept.

– This brings me to the theme of the story. I think it’s possible to highlight whatever message you’re trying to convey better. If it’s be good then i think i can understand how his gang/illegal lifestyle kind of led to his family being murdered (though it’s not very clear). But then what about him still robbing houses? How will he pay the price for his ways? As it is, he gets to live in his illusion where his family is alive. Which goes against the message be good because he still doesn’t get punished.

WORLD-BUILDING

– The setting needs to tie back to the theme, character and plot more. A haunted mansion is too general. A good rule of thumb to follow is to check if the same story can still happen in a different setting without change to the theme, character and plot, that means you’re not engaging enough with the setting. For example, what if the ‘haunted house’ is actually the house his parents died in? What if the manifestation of the mansion was someone he knew?

– Other than that, the amount of worldbuilding done is appropriate for a short story. Too much word count spent on this area can just bog down the word count unnecessarily. So I liked that there weren’t too many details introduced at once. The whole mood and atmosphere for the story was set nicely using world building.

PLOT

– I didn’t see any inconsistencies within the story. (For a horror story though, there is a certain suspension of reality within readers so you can push the limit and actually create inconsistencies. It’s kind of an expectation in the genre). Aside from that point, good job.

– Instead of describing the general trajectory of his life when the scary girl approaches him, I’d like to suggest narrating very specific moments in his life that he is forced to rehash. I think that can actually create quick plot beats within the short story, plus add a more concrete feel to the character.

WRITING STYLE

– The author’s writing style has good grammar, comprehensiveness and format. Paragraphs were separated when necessary, the general style was consistent to the end.

– The author’s voice can do with some refining. In the sense that, at the start of the piece, I thought some words and lines were redundant. Mentioning something once in a short story is enough.

– I would recommend this to people who read short pieces. My enjoyment level was about 5/10. Good luck with your future writings! Take care and let me know if you need further explanations for some points. I’d be happy to discuss in the comments section.