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Abi : Love At Dawn

 Love at Dawn by LiebeKlara
Reviewer : msleeria

COVER: 10
BLURB: 15
CHARACTER: 15
ORIGINALITY: 15
STORY TELLING: 15
STORY FLOW: 15
GRAMMAR: 15

COVER: 5/10

I'd have to say that your cover does not match your plot. Your story took place during the revolution. However, your cover looked like they were snuggling in a peaceful place. Judging from your cover, without yet reading the blurb, I thought your story is somewhat related to angels (I actually thought the one wearing white was Angel Cherubim, and they were at the Garden of Eden). Upon reading your blurb & proceeding to the chapters, obviously, I was wrong with my first impression. I believe a cover is the first thing that gives insight into what the book is all about. And this one doesn't fit the bill. I suggest a cover that somehow relates to where the story revolves. Anything about painting, perhaps? Or the background can be where they met & grew closer. Or a cover that portrays revolution or liberty.

BLURB: 15/15

Your blurb is like a summary of what's in store for us, and I love it. You showed in your blurb how romantic Andre is as a lover and how he is as a leader in the revolutionary era. Liberty is deeply engraved in your blurb, which both characters strongly believe in. And it's lovely how you included a sub-story of Fiona since their lives are interconnected somehow. Some chapters were mainly about Fiona, so it's great that you included her.

CHARACTER: 5/15

I'll have to focus & be specific on the two main characters only. As for the sub-characters, I will review them in general.

Edith - The way you have written Edith is perfect! You were able to portray Edith's intellect and still be able to tell that she's still a child. Writing about a child with intelligence beyond her age is difficult, but you did well in this area. And you were able to let your readers grow along with her when she turned into an adult. She stood her ground in her principles & beliefs from the beginning to the end, and her character was consistent. Her development was visible. There was no sudden change in her character. You wrote her perfectly.

Andre - This is where confusion stirs up. Is he somehow supernatural? Your 1st chapter shows an old Edith & a still young Andre (?). Are there somehow supernatural things involved? Or magic? I was deeply curious about the first chapter, so I skimmed the remaining chapters to find answers to my questions. However, I reached the part where Andre was executed. So, what was the 1st chapter all about? Please tell me if I have missed an important chapter that answers these questions or if I understood Chapter 1 wrong.

As for Margot & Philippe, your first chapter tells us that they are Edith's cousins. However, in the succeeding chapters, they were already regarded as her sister & brother. I had to reread the first chapter to ensure I was not wrong in understanding that they were cousins. I understand that they already treat each other as siblings. However, please be consistent in defining their relationship. If you want to put more emphasis on them treating each other as siblings, please state it when you introduce them as cousins in Chapter 1. Or if you want to focus more on them being cousins, please state it as well when you re-introduced them in Chapter 4.

As for Fiona, she was a sub-story, but her presence was a vital part of the story. You have written her very well without taking the spotlight from the main characters.

ORIGINALITY: 15/15

Your originality deserves a perfect score. I haven't read many historical books, but you kept me entertained. It is truly original how you subtly included real history with your fictional characters & story. It was smoothly inserted in different chapters.

STORY TELLING: 15/15

For someone who wrote this book for the first time, how you told the story is comparable to writers who have already written several novels. You have a vast vocabulary. The words you used transported us back to the past. You were able to maintain your setting. You were consistent with your character's beliefs.

STORY FLOW: 5/15

How you told us your story was very good. However, how you set the flow somehow has several loopholes.

For instance, Andre. If I am not wrong, you portrayed Andre as someone who hasn't aged. When they met again after several years, you deeply emphasized how he maintained his young looks. Apart from that, he visited Edith on her deathbed in your prologue. But in the last part of your story, he was executed. There was no consistency here. But again, if I am wrong, please enlighten me.

Another one is when Edith turned into an adult, and she adored every article & speech of this Citizen Quenet, which turned out to be Andre. One question was running in my mind. Why didn't she know? Since Quenet was quite famous, was there no single photograph of him in the papers? This happened in the year 1972. I researched, and the first photograph was published in the newspaper in 1848. So, there were already published photographs in the year your story took place. Quenet often appears at the papers, so Edith not seeing what he looks like is somehow incomprehensible. Could you somehow remove the possible idea that she could have seen his photograph in the papers? Like, maybe say, though he's quite famous, no pictures of him were seen in the papers since he's not a fan of cameras or anything of that sort.

GRAMMAR/COHERENCE/SPELLING: 10/15

I had to deduct points because it affected my reading experience, as I had to reread some lines again to understand the point.

Since your era was during the revolution, grammar was not focused on by then. So it is expected that the dialogues between the characters were not perfect grammar-wise

However, narration should follow technicalities, which include punctuation marks. Say, for example, the paragraph stated below:

However, the blow from the artist's sudden departure had not left a very lasting impact on this optimistic young girl. It was not to blame that she was too forgetful nor was their friendship shallow: rather that they had shortly after moved away from the place of heartbreak, while their new home was soon caught up in the new revolution.

If I may suggest, you may use commas to pause & rewrite some to make it easier to understand:

However, the blow from the artist's sudden departure had not left a very lasting impact on this optimistic young girl. It was not to blame that she was too forgetful, nor was their friendship shallow; rather, shortly after, they had moved away from the place of heartbreak while their new home was soon caught up in the new revolution.

Also, I need help understanding this line. Is there a missing word in this?

As she talked of this proud friendship, the little girl became in full flow, her eyebrows dancing up and down.

I searched what to be in full flow means. It is used to describe someone who is talking continuously in a very enthusiastic way. Perhaps you could say the little girl is in full flow instead of using became?

FINAL THOUGHT: 70/100

Strength: Your vocabulary is your strength. You could take us to whatever period you want us to be through the words you use. Your imagination & originality would take you places.

Weakness: You need to work on consistency with the details & be wary of technicalities in writing.

This story is actually fascinating & original. This has a lot of potential. But please do mind consistencies in the characters & timelines. Also, some readers won't mind grammar errors, but we all write to see our book published one day, right? So, we might as well work on the technicalities as early as now. I suggest rereading the story for you to work on some inconsistencies. Enhance your strength and improve the areas you need to work on, and you'll be creating more books in no time.