Chapter 11
"Maybe, we should just go back to being... friends," I honestly told Magnus after I told him about what happened in the mall.
Magnus looked at me with his sad eyes.
Tinapat ko siyang nagulat akong makita sina Florian at Kiara ulit, kahit hindi sinasadya. At kahit ako, hindi ko inasahan ang reaksyon ng puso ko pagkatapos ng tatlong taong nasanay na 'kong wala si Florian. I didn't know why I am still feeling so into him, when I was able to turn my attention to Magnus alone.
But I didn't tell Magnus that I thought I already fell in love with him. Because what for? Ako nga ay nasaktan sa maling akala ko. Paano pa siyang matagal nang hinihintay na siya naman ang mahalin ko?
I'm such a horrible person. I know it's unfair to still keep Magnus after trying for many years. Isa pa, hindi naman kasi niya kasalanan kung bakit iba pa rin ang laman ng puso ko.
Actually, walang may kasalanan kahit kanino sa kanilang magkapatid. Ako lang talaga. Hindi ko na rin alam. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko.
I always cringe at the old saying, "Mahirap turuan ang puso kung sinong dapat ibigin" But it proves true now.
"We can just... try, again," mahinang sabi ni Magnus. Inabot niya ang kamay ko. "Thank you for being honest with me about your feelings. Siguro may mga bagay lang talagang mahirap ipaliwanag. O hindi pa sapat 'yung panahon para mapalitan na talaga si Kuya sa puso mo. But, Calysta, I already told you. I'm willing to wait however long. Pagsusumikapan ko rin na—"
Marahas na binawi ko ang kamay ko. Nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko at napatayo mula sa hood ng kotse niya.
"Ang unfair na kasi, Magnus! Lalo na for you! Kahit sabihin mong okay lang, it makes me feel guilty pa rin! Ayoko nang ginagamit ka! It's been four years!"
Marahan siyang tumayo at inabot ulit ako. Nanatili siyang kalmado, habang ang mga mata ay nagsusumamo. "Baby, I know. But remember how we both benefit from this? The fact that I have you alone is already a joy to me. You let me love you, hold you, kiss you... Calysta, you even gave me your first—"
"Kasi naiinggit ako kay Kiara na ginagawa nila ni Florian iyon!" I'm gonna be brutally honest about this.
Yes, I want to fall for Magnus and develop deeper feelings with him. Kaya ako pumayag na maging intimate kami. Aside from he's the only person I can trust with my body—that he won't abuse me.
But who am I kidding? Gusto ko rin maranasan lahat iyon dahil ayokong napag-iiwanan ako. Lalo na ni Kiara! I already developed a personal rivalry with her on the back of my mind, because she got the man I ever liked since the very beginning.
"Mags, it's still unfair to continue with this relationship. Napapaasa lang kita sa wala!"
Sumikip ang dibdib ko nang pinagsalikop ni Magnus ang dalawa niyang kamay. "Please, just another try... Please, babe... Give our relationship another chance. Please, I beg of you..."
"M-Magnus..."
Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at hinalik-halikan. "Naiintindihan naman kita. I understand that your feelings won't just go away even after years of not seeing him. I understand, Calysta. Believe me. Dahil kung ako ang nasa sitwasyon mo, mamatay na lang ako pero ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko."
Nanginginig ang mga labi ko kasabay nang pagngilid ng mga luha ko. Here's a man very much in love with me. And I thought I already fallen for him...
