Population Control

Sami V

Kopfkino – The act of playing out an entire scenario in your mind

0o0

The bed was cold, again. My conscience woke up when I rolled over, frozen sheets burning my stomach, arm and cheek. "Matthew?" I asked, voice slurred and low. Concern rushed through me, and I patted the bed hard enough for the mattress to break if I had muscle.

Compared to yesterday, I got up and started searching for him. Yesterday was both unusual and normal: I went back to school. And it was school with people not even my age - I don't know if that makes it more daunting or not. People younger than me freak me out, because they're all just so energetic or feral. Then, there are those my age that have already formed friend groups and don't accept anyone new - trying to join a group of already formed friends is like expecting lions to make friends with a defenceless zebra.

Stepping out of the room into the dark landing, I didn't know there was an attic until now. In the middle of the hallway a ladder was dangling from the ceiling. Bravery is not my strong suit, but something really wanted me to climb that ladder; besides, Rabids can't climb ladders, so arguably I'm safer up there than I am down here.

Shakily, I climbed, even though I hate climbing things because I am more likely to fall off than make it to the top and I coils break an arm or get a permanent head injury.

There was nothing in the attic but big empty boxes. Just a big, empty space illuminated by the open windows. An open window: "Matthew? Are you here?" There was no answer but the howling wind.

I shuffled closer to the window, fighting the urge to run back to bed like I was seven and just finished in the bathroom. Finally, I reached the window and poked my head outside catching a glimpse of a shoe. Out of the window there was a small platform, one I managed to step on without collapsing. Violently, my legs wobbled and my hands were turning white from gripping the sides.

"Sami?" Matthew whispered in alarm. "What are you doing? You'll fall, you idiot!" Instead of listening, I took that as a challenge and started climbing the roof. Never did I think I had a fear of heights but my breath started quickening at the same pace as my heart. "Hey," Matthew said softly, but gripped my arm deathly tight. Fearful, I gazed into his warm eyes and I didn't have to search for stability or help, because it was right at the forefront. Gently, he helped me to sit by him, not letting go: I didn't want him to. "What are you doing up here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." I returned, smiling up at him and brightening when he laughed.

"Fair."

The sky didn't look normal, not one bit. Because I could see the stars. Burning balls of gas that are always blocked by clouds flickered before us.

Unknowingly, I leant further into Matthew. "How was school?" Matthew asked.

"It was fine."

"And what did you get up to?" It was like a parent asking their child.

"Nothing." I carried on playing along.

But then his voice changed. "So... Quill seems nice."

"They do." I haven't had a conversation alone with them, but Camille and Dylan seem to like them.

"Think you've got a chance with her?"

"Them." I didn't mean to correct Matthew. It was the right thing to do, but what if he just doesn't get it? Dylan had to explain it to me three times before I did.

"Huh?"

"Quill, they're non-binary. Dylan said it's because they don't feel like they fit perfectly into a boy or girl, and that sometimes they feel like both or like neither."