Population Control

Matthew VI

Monachopsis – The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place

0o0

All the way home and after the best film of all time, I was reciting the number plate and how many cars down our one was. They'll join us in leaving. We're family. At least, I hoped they would before I heard Jason and Camille through the wall. Was the door closed? I don't think their door was closed. Mine certainly was but they were loud enough.

Silence. It rang all through the house. But then everything was moving, and Dylan was opening Camille's door asking how she was and I, with too much tension upstairs, went back down with my packed backpack light on my shoulder. "What was that about?" I asked Sami, trying to break him from his panicky state.

"You and Camille did say you wanted to leave..." Sami started, trailing off like I'd get mad at him.

"We're headed for France, I wanna get there as fast as possible."

"I understand... but..." Since I've known him Sami has been a cautious person, but he's never had to think this hard about something before saying it to me. I took his hand, only thinking after I had his fingers laced in mine if this was OK. "What if our parents show up?"

"Mine won't be." It was supposed to be funny. I was supposed to lighten the mood.

"I-" He said as soon as I finished.

"It's fine, Sami." I sighed, mustering a hopefully real smile. "It's fine."

"You can tell me." Sami started, hesitantly reaching for my cheek, shaking as he stroked it. "Anything." I can't, I know I can't. But he stopped asking. That wasn't enough.

With everything happening inside my head I ripped myself from his grip and ran, slamming open the door and not bothering to close it. I ran, and instead of getting tired and achy, I picked up more energy. Everyone was in their houses apart from some Hunters patrolling, but everyone must have heard me. I needed to break something: a plate, a computer, a TV, it didn't matter. As long as something broke I would calm down. I found a brick by the meat bunker, and put all of my weight behind the throw. SMASH! The brick hit the wall, but it didn't break. I kicked the bunker, injuring myself on the metal more than anything. I kicked it again, and again, and again.

"Is it safe yet?" Jason tried to joke, coming up from behind.

I huffed, barely acknowledging he was there, but stopped still and then collapsed to the ground. It was damp, or maybe it was me. "Depends." I ripped up the grass. "Here to talk me out of leaving?"

"I can try."

"Fuck off then."

Jason sat down. "Fair enough." We both looked out. "Sami's staying."

"Yeah..." He expected me to say more.

"Why are you going then?"

"He's... amazing... but, I just... can't be here."

"If it was Camille-"

"Jason." I stopped him, because if he finished I'd say she isn't staying for him so why would he stay for her? "I had a life before Sami. You were there: we were friends before we started talking to them. I can live without him."

He picked at the grass. "I couldn't. Not just Camille, I mean any of you. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you guys, you wouldn't either."

And it was true, too. We've helped each other survive this far. "But we can all survive on our own now."

"Do you want to?"

I don't answer his question. "Look, when kids grow up they move away, right? But they still come visit. That's what me and Camille are doing."

"I think you're both being selfish." He declared, like he was right.

I shook my head. "Whatever." Never thought he would fit the entitled rich kid stereotype, but the end of the world does bring out the best and worst of us. "You're acting like a little shit, you know. You're calling me and Camille selfish, but we're not happy here." He cares, and maybe that's why I said it. If Jason is OK with Camille going she won't be complaining the whole time.

Some time later I walked back to the house, Sami asleep on the sofa. Camille was just draping a blanket over him when she heard the front door and instantly went to grab something. "We should leave now." She whispered, careful about waking Sami. Had he waited up for me? "Matthew?"

"Right. Sure." I muttered, jogging with light steps up the stairs and grabbing the backpack. We should leave now. I wouldn't put it past Jason to tell Mary and Violet at this point. Clothes, katana, rings, torch. Tinned food, tinned food. Where is the-

"Camille!" I tried to shout while whispering, but she heard me.

"No need to shout." She joked, but she wasn't smiling.

"Where's the food?"

"Kitchen. We'll get it all on our way out." She turned to leave then looked back. "What about the car?"

I shook my head. "Not now, it's blocked in."

"Guess we'll go on foot." She muttered. "Through the gate and then straight on." I nodded, and then she was gone, probably to pack her own bag. I don't think Jason was back yet, and I had no idea where Dylan was.

Gently, I padded down the steps and came face to face with Jason. He was taking his jacket off, only just walking in. We didn't talk because I still wanted to punch him in his smug face, so I turned to the fridge and-

"Stealing now as well?" He commented.

"Shut up." I clenched my fists, willing myself to calm down.

He scoffed, "Just because it's the end of the world doesn't mean our morals go haywire. Your parents-"

I swung. I turned around, and I hit him. In the face, on the nose. Across his face. There was a gasp, maybe from him, and his hand went to his nose.

"Fuck!"

"Jason!" That was Camille and she ran to his side. When I looked up from Jason holding his bleeding nose, I saw Sami. On his feet, a smashed lamp in his hand and porcelain over the floor. He did that. Fuck, what did I do?

But I wanted to hit him again - and I would have - but Camille stood between us. "You fu-" he tried to talk, but he breathed through his teeth before he could finish. With blood still coming from his nose, Camille took him to the bathroom.

Leaving me, Sami, and a smashed lamp.

"Maybe it's best if you do go..." He whispered. His hands were shaking, still holding tight to the broken lamp.

It hurts to speak. "Ok." And I couldn't look him in the eye.

"You've never," He was disgusted with me, scared of me, but he was coming close. He got so close he even took my hand. "Maybe you're right. This place..." A spark of hope. "Isn't good for you." And it was gone.

"Ok."