Right Here

Chapter 15

It only took another week for Jongin to show up in my office. I immediately wanted to tell him to leave but I was too stunned to formulate words. Even more, his expression threw me further into confusion. He looked...sad? Distraught? Perturbed? Something wasn't right.
"I know you said you don't want to talk about it and you made it clear you want nothing to do with me – hell, you barely want to look at me, but Brielle I'm losing my damn mind right now." He blurted. "For months I've been trying to tell you how I feel but I haven't been getting it across the right way-."
"You've gotten it across plenty-."
"Listen – just...please?" I saw tears in his eyes and I wanted to run. Suddenly it felt as if there was not enough air in the room. I stayed in my chair, thankful for my desk keeping distance between us. He took my silence as a signal for him to continue. He managed to take a breath and do just that. "I have been awful to you in the past and as much as I want to say "the past is the past" I have repeatedly hurt you and have given you no reason to believe that I won't do it again and I am so fucking sorry. I know my apologies probably don't mean anything to you at this point, but I swear if I could take it all back I would."
"You've said that before." My voice trembled.
"I know I...I know." He ran his hands through his hair out of frustration and blinked back the tears that threatened to fall again. "I just don't know how to show you I've changed. Because of you. For you." His voice was saturated with sincerity. I was losing my resolve. "Since we broke up, I stopped messing around with other girls. I haven't dated. I've been working on being better. I couldn't look at another woman because I missed you so damn much."
"I find that very hard to believe." I scoffed, crossing my arms. When he was with me all he could do was look at other women. What reason did he have to stop just because I was out of the picture?
"Trust me, I know it's impossible to believe but it's true. After you broke up with me and left, all I could think about is how badly I fucked up."
"We broke up multiple times before then. Why all of the sudden did you discover how badly you fucked up?"
"Because you left." He sounded so broken. He looked so small. Shoulders slumped, hair mussed from him running his hands through it, and eyes red. Confident, sure Jongin was gone. I had never seen him look so vulnerable before. It was actually scary.
"I've left before." I said.
"Not like this." He shook his head. "I was a cocky asshole not caring about your feelings and being caught up with being "Mr. Popular" that I didn't realize what was at stake. That's also why I left the firm. I needed a new start away from all of that. It was just by chance that you worked here too. I thought that was a sign for me to make amends." His smile was weak. "I know I didn't make the best reintroduction, but I really didn't know how else to approach you. It didn't quite register how much you hated – hate me." He looked down at his feet. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. He still seemed to want to continue, so I waited. A bitter chuckle left his lips before he met my gaze again. "I have been trying so hard to think of ways to show you how sorry I am and how much I still care about you, but honestly, I don't think there is anything I can do. I have destroyed any chance of regaining your trust beyond repair and I don't even deserve your trust. I just...since that night...I can't stop thinking about you."
"Don't-."
"Having you in my arms again. The way you looked at me-."
"I was drunk. I don't even remember."
"I barely remember also but I do remember you walking up to me calling me the piece of shit that you would have actually married if I got my shit together." I was taken aback by this. I mean, it was true, but I never would have thought I would actually tell him that. Drunk or sober. "That hit me hard because you were the only woman I ever considered marrying but the thought terrified me. I know I promised you I would, but I was too scared to bring myself to do it and I hate myself for it." I felt my heart squeezing. As if he literally reached into my chest and wrapped his hands around the slowly beating muscle.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I don't know. Because I miss you? Because I've been praying every day for you to forgive me? Because I just want you to look at me like you used to when we were first together and not like I'm the scum of the Earth? Because my heart is literally aching for you? Because it's starting to feel like I can't breathe without you? Because I'm a fucking mess Bee."
"Jongin -."
"Just please...tell me what I can do." He dropped to his knees, startling me. "How can I fix this?" A tear fell down his cheek and I officially reached my breaking point. "Bee, I'm so sorry." He started sobbing and my heart cracked under the pressure. I stood and slowly approached him. As much as I wanted to tell him to get up and get out, seeing the ever proud and indestructible Jongin on his knees in my office in his ridiculously expensive suit with tears falling down his face broke me. As soon as I was close enough, he wrapped his arms around my waist and cried against my stomach. I was reluctant, but soon found my hand caressing his head, trying to soothe him. He held me tighter and kept repeating how sorry he was.