Again

31

Ben softly played with my fingers while I was lying down on his chest. We enjoyed the early morning. It was so quiet, and the vibe was relaxed. He pressed kisses on my head while he inhaled the scent of my hair.

"You used to have your ring on here."
He whispered while he caressed my ring finger.

I surprisingly looked up at him and gave him a soft smile.
"You miss that sight?"
He smiled back at me, yet with a serious look on his face.
"I do."

I know that he and I didn't talk about marriage again, but I must admit that it is different when you turn from ex fiancés into 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' again. We were about to get married and commit to each other forever. And now it felt like we really started over again, from the real start. And that status was so different compared to how we really felt.

'Ben, I.."
"Sst, you don't need to say anything. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." He whispered.
"No, you didn't. It's just that I don't want you to feel pressured. I already know that we will be forever this time." I smiled at him.

He pressed a kiss on my lips and softly caressed my cheek.
"We will be forever. But I want you to be my wife. Like I said from the beginning, I want to fix everything that I ever did wrong. And I want to heal every situation from the past. Even though we both know we can't fix everything now. I still want to try."

Tears were streaming down my face while I let his words sink into my mind. Because of him, my gaze moved to my empty ring finger.
I had flashbacks from the night he proposed to me. It was the best day of my life so far. It was a dream come true, and even more than I had ever expected. I remember how he surprised me, brought me to his old childhood house that was surrounded by beautiful bouquets and candle lights. My song was softly playing in the background while there were rose petals everywhere. I could hardly believe what was happening, until I turned around and saw him kneeling in from of me. Tears were welling in my eyes while he gently smiled at me and strongly held my hands. He said the most beautiful words to me, and all I could think of was how he was the man I had always wished for. I truly believed that he was made for me and that he was my one true love. My soulmate, and the love of my life. And I still do believe in that.

"I loved wearing that ring." I softly said.
"I know." He sighed.
"The hardest part was giving it back to you, but I felt like I had no other choice."

My voice was cracking, it became harder for me to talk. I noticed how I somehow kept all these emotions to myself for so many years. Things I thought I had left behind me, but now I experienced that it wasn't really the case. All of it was still freshly in my mind.

"You know, a few years ago when I was in therapy, and was working real hard on myself.. I had to face all the mistakes that I made in my life. All the regrets that I had. I had to learn how to give them a place, and I had to figure out how to deal with the idea of not being able to fix everything. Some things remain painful, but there's truly nothing that can't be fixed in a way. I made a hige mistake for not being ready to commit to you back then, but looking back to it now I am only now the man that you really deserve."

I nodded as I knew exactly how right he was. We both worked hard on ourselves, and it was a sad truth that we missed so much of each other's lives. However, we were both grateful for this second chance. Not everyone is lucky as we are.

He gently kissed my ring finger, and it put a smile on my face. He wiped my tears away while he was still holding me close. It was time for me to go to the set again, but knowing that he would be on my side today was something that really made me happy. We were about to film the ending scene, which I already knew would be emotionally heavy.

-

Ben and I arrived on the set while everyone was busy preparing. My look was getting done, while I was reading the script for the last time. I was already feeling the emotions in my body, which was always noticeable if I became more quiet. My look was done is 20 minutes, it was time for Lucy and me to film the scene.

Ben gave me a final kiss while he also took place besides the crew to watch me.
"You got this." He whispered.

We filmed how my daughter in the movie was about to get kidnapped, my character would rescue her with a final gunshot while being hurt myself. The thought of losing her would be emotionally heavy, along with the level of powerlessness. I could fully feel the adrenaline and heaviness of the scene, and I knew that we both killed it. As we finished the scene, the crew was applauding loudly for the both of us while Lucy and I were still holding on to each other.

"You did great." I whispered in her ear while giving her a kiss on her cheek.
"You too."

I spotted Ben from a few meters away, ready to hold me in his arms. Everyone around us became quiet again as they noticed that I was still mentally recovering from the scene. The only thing I wanted was to feel his arms around me and to not let me go.

"Baby, you did amazing. It looks so great." He whispered in my ear while he was still holding me.
"It's okay to feel overwhelmed right now. I am here, and I am not going to leave. You can hold on to me as long as you need." He continued.
I really needed his words and calming voice to bring me back to peace again. He was my safe space, and the only thing I needed in that moment of adrenaline.

We were standing like that for another 5 minutes, until it was time for me to look back to the shots. And he was right, it did look amazing. It was exactly the way we wanted it to look like.
Elaine walked towards me and surrounded her arm around my shoulder.

"You're incredible." She said.
I smiled at her as we were still looking at the shots.

"And your man right there was the proudest. It made me think about past times. He loves you so much, Jen. I am so happy you got back together. He really brings out the best in you, don't ever let go of that special connection you have. It's rare."