Again

48

"Look what I've found." I said with a sweet voice while reaching Ben from behind.

"What?" He chuckled.

I handed him the old letter. He was clearly surprised by what he saw.

"It's the first one you ever gave me. It says: june 1, 2002.

"I remember." He smiled. "I can't believe you still have it."

I saw that he was clearly surprised, and I even spotted some emotion in his eyes.

"I've kept all of them. But this one is really special." I smiled.

He clearly didn't expect that I had kept all of his letters. They were too special to me to even think about getting rid of them. Even after our breakup, I made sure that they were hidden in a special place. For months I was reading them, almost every day. Reading his words made me feel close to him, and it was all that I still had of him. For years I wasn't able to talk to him, but this was a way to still feel close to him. It wasn't the most healthy thing, knowing that we had to move on, but in my heart I know I never did.

Ben's eyes were focused on one part of the letter, and we both quietly started to read.

"I never knew that I was able to feel this way about someone. You made me feel whole, you made me feel complete. I became a better person because of you. I want to take care of you and support you in every way. You mean the world to me, and nothing will ever change that.
I might am going fast, but I know this is different. You are different. You're a gem, and I want you to be mine forever.
You are my first and you'll definitely be my last."

"Funny how these words are still the truth. I still stand by every letter of it, it's still very valid." He said with a sweet smile on his face.

"It's so beautiful. You have no idea what it means to me. And what it always have meant to me. Knowing that I couldn't reach out for you after our break up was so hard. But your letters kept me alive.
I know it might doesn't make sense after all that we've been through, and I know you always questioned if I really forgave you, but I was just never able to really let you go. You are a part of me, and a break up wouldn't change that.

I saw how tears were welling up in his eyes.

"I know. Even time couldn't keep us apart. No person, no media, no other force. Nothing could come between us. Even a break up couldn't." He said.

I nodded because of his kind words.
"You know.. during my marriage with Marc I oftentimes tried to convince myself that I had made the right choice. But then at night, when I was alone, I started to cry a lot. And when I started to read your letters, I started to feel hope again. You wrote in a lot of your letters how talented you think I am, and how proud you were of me. But more importantly, you wrote how much you love me. But not for everything the world loves me for, you always said how you love the authentic me. The Jennifer with no make-up on, no extensions, no fame, simple clothes.. you really helped me to not forget who I really am. And to always embrace that part of me. Despite all the hate comments I've got throughout the years, I always remembered the way you used to talk about me. The way you always cheered me up and helped me to embrace myself. You have no idea what that did for me."

"And I still love you for all of that. And I'm even more proud of you now. You have no idea."
He pulled me closer while pressing kisses on my temple.

"Thank you for loving me." I said while tears were streaming down my face.

He pulled away and slowly moved my face so I could face his. His fingers were gently caressing my face, while his thumb rested on my chin.

"You're part of me. Loving you is not something I need to choose for, it's something that I automatically do.
Like I said more than twenty years ago, 'you're my first and my last'. It doesn't matter who came inbetween the time that we were together. Every person we were with added something to our lives, whether it was something good or bad. But no one was you, and no one was me. We couldn't be replaced by someone else. Maybe we had the illusion that someone else could, but it didn't work out. Simply because we are each other's person. And living with the facts that you've been handled so badly in the relationships you had before, but also after me, hurts me so deeply that I can't even explain it. I simply can't handle the thought of you being hurt by someone else. It just cuts me like a knife.
And I need to find a way to live with the idea that I wasn't there for you, and that I couldn't protect you. Knowing that the person you love the most went through situations like that is so painful."

"It's not your fault, Ben." I reassured him. "It really isn't. And I don't want you to feel that way. I am okay now. Because of you. You are there for me, you protect me. You're healing me. Because of you I know that I can be loved for who I am. You teach me everyday how to love myself. You do more for me and the kids that I could have ever wished for. I am so grateful that I got the change to experience that. Even if we lost so much time, we are blessed that we still got so many years in front of us. After all, we've still got the change to grow old together.

"I know it's not my fault that you've been through all of that." He sighed.
"But why does it feel like I could have protected you from all of that?"