Again

45

"Good morning, baby." He softly whispered in my ear.

I smiled because of the familiar sound of his voice, and enjoyed his gentle kisses on my face and hair.

"How are you feeling?" He sweetly asked.

I gave him a lopsided smile, not able to really answer his question. I felt emotionally tired, and all I wanted to do was to lay down in bed. He didn't know me like this, and so didn't I. But that's the way I have felt for a few days now. I tried to hide for the kids how I really felt, and they always made sure to put a smile on my face. But Ben knew that I wasn't feeling like myself lately. He made sure that I was getting up to take a shower, and that I was eating and drinking enough. Because I felt like I had no energy to do that all by myself.

Thinking about this all made me really sad, and I felt like I was letting him down. Not only him, but our family. I felt like I couldn't be the woman that he deserved, and I even felt like I wasn't there enough for the kids as their mother. Even though I really tried to be there enough for everyone, every day. I just felt tired.
But Ben was patient. And honestly, it made me emotional thinking about all that he did for me. For us. He stayed, took care of me, and he didn't need a lot of words to see how I was feeling. He only needed to look at me and exactly knew what I needed. And that was a power that nobody had over me.

"I brought you some fruits.. you need to eat something, baby." He said with a worried look on his face.

I nodded and pulled myself up to sit down on our bed.

He handed me the strawberries and it made me smile knowing that he handed me my favorite fruit.

"Sam asked me if you wanted to make cupcakes with him later when he gets out of school. He loves the ones you always make."

I smiled because of Sam's idea. To have a special bond with Ben's kids is always important to me, and Sam is his mini-me which makes him so special to me.

"Of course, I'll make sure that we will do that."

"Baby, you don't need to if you don't feel like it." He reassured me.

"It's okay, it makes me happy." I smiled.

He caressed my face and pulled me closer to his chest. I could tell that he was worried about me, but he did his best to be there for me.

"I don't want to feel like this." I sighed.

He stayed quiet for a minute, until he answered with "I know."
I felt the tears in my eyes, and however I tried to control them, it wasn't unnoticed by him.

"You know, for years you've been going on and on. Never took a break. And even if I wasn't there on your side, I know that is the truth.
I know you better than anyone in the world, at times I even think that I know you better than you know yourself. And you always feel like you need to proof yourself. You're amazing in what you're doing, but baby, even you need a break.
And you never took that break. You've never slowed down and took a minute to process the things that happened to you. To realize how unfair some things were. To be mad, to be sad, even when it comes to me. And I want you to feel and process those emotions. Because you've been hiding it for so long. But you don't need to do it alone, because I'm here with you along the way."

I let his words sink into my mind, and all I could do was to hold him tight. I don't know what I would do without him by my side. Feeling his love and support was an indescribable feeling, one that couldn't be explained into words. Each day I asked myself how I've got to be so lucky to have him back in my life, right here by my side where he always belonged.

"I promise you I'll be better." I whispered.
"For you, for the kids, for us."

"I know you will." He said while kissing my temple softly. "But you need to take your time. And I won't let you go to work or anything else before you are completely feeling better." He said.

I nodded, knowing that he was telling the truth.

"I'm going to pick Sam from school. He's going to love spending time with you. He'll totally forget about me as usual." He joked.

I caressed his beard as he helped me to get out of bed.

"I'll see you later. I'll change myself and prepare the kitchen for our little cupcake party." I smiled.

"See you later, baby."