Again

35

His arms were tightly wrapped around me when I slowly opened my eyes. It made me smile that he even tried to protect me while he was asleep. I slowly moved while trying to not wake him up. I looked at his face and admired every feature of it. He was so handsome, and he was all mine. I couldn't believe that I was this lucky.

"Good morning." He suddenly whispered.

He sounded cute and sexy at the same time with his raspy voice.

"Babe, go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you up." I smiled while caressing his cheek.

He smiled back and pulled me closer.

"I found an old picture of us. Yesterday, when you were already asleep." He whispered.

I looked at him with a surprised face.

"Really? Where?"

He turned around and handed me the picture from the bedside table. I witnessed some nervousness in his movement, and I quickly understood where it came from. It was a picture from 2002, a very special one. I hadn't see the picture for two decades, but never forgot about it's existence. It was a polaroid from the day that Ben and I had found out about my pregnancy. He kissed my belly while my hand was rested on his head.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad this early in the morning. But I couldn't get it out of my mind." He whispered.

"It's okay. I understand." I sweetly said.

We promised each other to be honest to each other, and sharing our feelings was a huge part of that. I could see the sadness in his eyes, which hurt me. Looking at this picture brought all memories back. It was like it was yesterday, but at the same time it felt like so long ago. Like it was in another life.
Our boy was really here. He was in my belly. He existed, and he was real. We might didn't get the chance to know him, but his existence was powerful enough for us to love him for a lifetime.

"He was the proof of our incredible love story. He still is the proof." Ben said.

He was right, we made a baby together resulting from the strong, powerful love that we felt for each other. It was hard to accept that his physical existence was temporary, but his spirit would forever exist in our hearts.

"I think we should tell the kids." He whispered.

I knew he was right. It was time for us to open up about this situation, after all those years. I don't know if we were ready to do so, or if it was the right moment, but is there ever even a right moment for something so painful?

I nodded at his suggestion, but it was hard for me to say it out loud.

"Baby, if you're not ready to do so, we won't. I just want you to be okay with it." He comforted me.

"I know. I am ready. They deserve to know the truth, and our baby deserves to be recognized, not only by us."

He gave me a little smile and kissed my head. I tried to control my breath while I felt like my world was falling apart again. The flashbacks of twenty years ago were flashing through my mind. I remembered the day I found out about my pregnancy, the happiness, the anxiety and the painful day that I lost our baby. I still saw myself being in the hospital, feeling all empty and extremely sad. A part of me was gone, and it was so hard to get up again. Ben and I went through a hard time, a time that we weren't able to deal with. He tried to be there for me, and I tried to be there for him, but somehow we lost each other in the process along the way.

Thinking about the last rocky weeks of our previous relationship made me extremely sad. I had never felt so empty before. We tried to hold on to something while we were slowly losing each other. We started to believe that being without each other might would be the best choice for both of us. It's honestly all a blur for me now, because I feel like we were both not ourselves. We were both heavily influenced by outside forces, while both being in an extremely painful situation  which nobody knew about. But besides all the pain that I felt, I always knew that he was still the one for me. The one that I would always belong to, even if I wouldn't be with him.

Ben tried to calm me down while all of these thoughts were going through my mind. His relaxing voice gave me the peace that I needed in that moment. I knew that I was safe now and that all of these thoughts belonged to the past. We were much stronger now, we changed, we grew. Not only as individuals, but also as a couple. We had lost each other, but found each other again. And that was the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to us.

"We have each other now. We're healing together." He whispered.

His hand caressed my back while I leaned on his shoulder. I kept on looking at the picture that he had kept. Feeling sad, but at the same time grateful that we still experienced the magical experiences of parenthood. Even if he wasn't the biological father of my children, I know that he treated them as his own and was the one who would be there for them. They could count on him whenever they needed, and there was no bloodline needed for that. And off course I felt the same for his kids.

And just in that moment, my phone was ringing. Ben grabbed it for me on the bedside table, and we figured out that it was Max. He always wanted to FaceTime me before he went to school. That was always our little moment. At least, it used to be that way.

"Good morning, baby." I smiled while looking at him.

He greeted me, but the conversation was quickly only between him and Ben. It made me smile, and I was aware of the fact that our little good morning moment was now more a moment between them. The conversation was off course about gaming, but most importantly I witnessed how my son felt really safe around the man that I loved the most.

"Remember what I said about the math test? If you managed to pass, we could talk about getting that new game. And now that you passed, I want you to go to the garage and look within the dashboard of my new car. I might have kept the gift for you there." Ben smiled.

I surprisingly looked at Ben while he told Max the news. The sweet confession made my heart melt. Max's excitement was evident as he thanked Ben and immediately hung up the phone.

"Babe.." I smiled.

"Yes, I know, don't say anything. I also bought it because I secretly think it's a cool game too."

I laughed because of his confession as I gave him a kiss.

"You're the sweetest." I smiled.