Again

50

I had a busy day with my stylists, we were preparing my outfit for the upcoming Met Gala which was in about a month. After fitting a lot of different outfits, I finally made a choice. I really liked it, and of course, Ben preferred this one too.

"You look stunning, baby." He smiled while embracing me from behind.

I kept on checking myself in the mirror, while he pressed a kiss on my cheek.

"Do I look fat?" I asked.

"Too skinny." He answered with a serious look on his face.

He always managed to make me smile, whatever the situation was.

"By the way, you're so crazy for asking that." He chuckled. "Nobody looks more perfect than you do."

-

After I was done with my outfit checks, it was time for our regular sunday afternoon. Which also meant that his kids would go back to their mother's house after they would finish their homework for the upcoming week.

"Baby, I need to bring the kids back. Do you want to go with me?" He sweetly asked while I was putting on an comfortable outfit.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, why not?" He asked.

"I don't know, I don't want it to be weird, for the kids."

"It won't be weird, I promise."

He put his arms around me while he played with my hair. "But if you don't feel comfortable, I understand. But I want you to know that it's not needed. There's nothing to worry about."

"I know. I trust you." I whispered.

"Good."

-

As we arrived at the house, Ben helped the kids to get out of the car. I decided to stay in. They all hugged me goodbye, which melted my heart. I knew that moments like this were still hard on Ben, even if he was doing this for years already. It was not easy missing the kids for half the week, not only for him but also for me.

I saw how his ex wife waited for the kids at the front door. Ben helped the kids with their bags, which resulted in a small conversation between the two of them. Seeing them together still made me feel some type of way, even that I knew I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I couldn't help thinking about the past and everything that had happened between us, how she was the mother of his kids, and I was not. Seeing them co-parenting in a healthy way made me happy for the kids, but I couldn't help that I also felt sad about this whole situation. It was just not the future we once had planned. I was so grateful to have him back in my life, but in moments like this I realized again how much actually had changed. We were the same, but we also were not. And that was a hard pill to swallow for me.

Tears were welling up in my eyes, and before I could dry them, Ben already made his way back to the car. I knew that I couldn't hide my emotions for him, but I still tried.

"Alright, that was that." He said while he got into the car again.

"Yeah." I said while our eyes met.

"What's wrong, baby?" He asked with a worried face.

"Nothing." I said while trying to stop my tears.

He didn't ask more, but instead immediately decided to drive away. It only took a few minutes to drive back home. He didn't say anything, but only held my hand. It was like he already knew what was wrong without asking me.

Once we arrived home, I immediately made my way into the house. He walked behind me, certainly confused about my sudden behavior, but all I could do was go to our room and distance me from him. Everything just felt wrong, and the realization of our 'new' life suddenly got too much for me.

Before I could realize it, he rushed into our room, only to find me still being in tears. He tried go approach me, to hold me, but it only made things worse.

"Ben, I don't know if this was a good idea." Was the only thing I managed to say.

"What?" He said. Certainly shocked by my statement.

"You, us, it's all so different than we ever imagined it would be. I'm so scared to lose you again. You always say that I don't need to worry, but the truth is that I do. And I know that I can trust you, that's not the point, I just can't trust her. I see the way she's looking at you. She's the mother of your kids, she gave you something that I couldn't. She will always have that power, and I will not. She is the one that got that part of you, and I don't. I just can't do - .."

"Jen, stop!" He said with a loud voice while holding me tightly at my wrists.
I could barely look at him, but felt the tension in his body. His enormous gesture in front of me had always been impressive, but especially when he was mad.

"I really need you to calm down." He said with a more relaxed voice. "Not only for me. But also for the twins. They are downstairs."

I nodded while I tried to dry my tears. I knew that he was right.

"I don't want them to hear us fight. Actually, I don't want them to hear you trying to fight with me, because that's what you're doing right now. You're trying to fight with me, but you know that I won't participate in that sh-t." He said closely to me while I felt his breathing on my face.

"She might is the mother of my kids, and she might looks at me at a certain way, but she isn't you. She f-cking isn't YOU. You're everything to me. I don't know what else I need to do for you to see that."

"I need to go. Can you please tell the kids that they don't need to worry?" I said while I completely ignored what he just said to me.

"You just want to walk away? I'm telling you that you won't. Because you know that I will run after you, and take you back home again. I want you to scream here at me, be mad at me, talk sh-t to me. Here. Not somewhere else. We will figure it out together. I won't let the same thing to us happen again. Not this time. We made that mistake once, and we both know how that ended."

-

Chapter 50 already 🥶