Chapter 5

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There's nothing I want less than to go to the party tonight, but Chloe's been here since three, and now she's putting makeup on at my desk. Her mouth hangs open as she applies mascara, and it occurs to me as I watch her that I'm watching her change before my eyes, because this time last year she wouldn't wear makeup for any occasion.

"You're staring," she says, turning to me. "What? Do you want some?"

"You just look really pretty," I say, and that makes her blush. She grumbles something and turns back to the mirror, applying some kind of lipgloss. I've been ready to leave for over half an hour, and now I'm just sitting on the edge of the bed, my knee bouncing nervously. My mum will kill me if I come home drunk, but how am I supposed to get through this party sober?

She finishes and pushes away from the desk. I turn around as she gets changed behind me. When I turn back, she's wearing a sparkly black dress that I've never seen before. It looks like it came straight out of Dawn or Serena's wardrobe. "Do I look okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. You look great," I say, glancing down at myself.

"So do you," she insists. "I'm going to make sure we have fun tonight. In fact, here." She reaches for her bag, buried under my desk, and rummages around until she pulls out a bottle of wine.

"Wine? Really?"

She shrugs. "It's my mum's, but she won't notice it's gone."

"I'm not going downstairs to sneak wine glasses up," I argue. My mum and dad are both down there, and even though we're seventeen, they'd stop me from going tonight. Chloe twists off the top and takes a swig straight from the bottle, and I just watch her, gawking. She winces at the taste, then passes it to me. I hesitate, debating whether to take it or not. Clearly, she's nervous about something, and this is a coping mechanism. I take it from her hand and take a sip too. It's disgusting, and burns as it goes down, but maybe it'll make me less anxious.

"Are you nervous?" she asks me, fidgeting.

"Yes, are you?"

"Yes," she repeats, taking the bottle out of my hand and taking another sip. The bed dips as she sits down beside me. "We might not know anyone there, but that doesn't mean we can't have fun, right?"

"You're nervous because Dawn will be there," I say, taking a sip.

"And you're nervous because Ash will be there."

I choke, the wine going up my nose. It takes a few seconds for me to stop, and turn to give her an incredulous look. "What?"

"It was just a guess," she says, shrugging. I stare at her, opening and closing my mouth. "Am I wrong?"

"Yes," I say too quickly. "I don't have a crush on Ash."

I've never even thought about it. Even if I did think he was attractive, I can't fall for another straight guy. One time was enough, and I didn't even like the guy that much. Besides, Ash is... Ash. And he's with Dawn. I take another long sip of the wine before letting Chloe take her turn.

"Okay, sorry," she says. "Maybe there will be someone there for you, though. Do you ever..." she trails off.

"Do I ever what?" I prompt, noticing her thousand-yard stare.

"Do you ever think we've missed out on so much? Like we've gone through high school without experiencing anything we're supposed to? Me more than you, I guess."

"I don't understand what you mean," I say, but I think I'm beginning to.

"I mean parties, falling in love, hooking up with people... I never thought I cared about any of it, but it's our final year and, I don't know. Sometimes I guess I just feel left out."

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