The Sun and The Moon (SatoGou)

Chapter 8

I wake the next morning to a pounding headache, like my brain is pressing against all the sides of my skull. Groaning, I sit upright and try to remember, but I don't know what happened after I got into Ash's car. It's like, after that point, there's a black hole where my memories should be. I lift my hand to my head as I dig for something, but frustratingly, there's nothing there. He could have said anything to me, and I wouldn't know. Perhaps he said nothing, but what if he did? It seems like a big deal.

I grab for my phone, and see it's midday. My parents must have heard me come back if they haven't bothered waking me up. Maybe I saw one of them, or spoke to them. I wouldn't know. There's several missed texts from Chloe, asking if I got home okay with Ash. There's even a text from Misty, who must have gotten my number from Chloe. I type out a quick reply to both.

Sadly, I remember everything from before we left; Gary's humiliating comments, Serena's pitying frown, and that high-pitched, squealing girl that acted like Gary was God's gift to the earth. It all rings around in my head, until the headache is near unbearable, and I get up, needing to move. I go in the shower, but it doesn't help, and when I get out, Chloe's been texting me again.

How are you feeling?

Did Ash say something to you?

Then, one final text: Can we go to the dance later?

I almost laugh. The dance. With all of the drama, I'd completely forgotten about it. It seems inconsequential now, and I can't imagine why I'd ever want to go somewhere after last night's embarrassment.

I'm not going. You should tag along with Misty. I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

Are you sure? I think you should come. Let me know if you change your mind.

I at least appreciate that she isn't pushing me. I'm unlikely to change my mind. I don't want to see anyone at all- even her. I'm feeling too much, and too little, all at once. Most of all, I feel ashamed of myself. I should have seen it coming last night, and yet I stupidly thought things might be changing. I thought I could join in and fit in, without consequences. Really, it feels like Gary was just putting me in my place. Because this is my place, isn't it? At home, alone- not in a bar, drinking with people that don't know me. I can go wherever I want, with whoever I want, but in the end I'll still be me, trapped in this body. I can't change who I am, no matter how much I might want to sometimes.

My phone pings again. This time, it's Ash. Can we talk?

My throat constricts, making it hard to swallow. I stare and stare at the text, debating how to answer it. Last night only reinforced to me how different we really are. Nobody would ever dare to speak to Ash the way Gary spoke to me, because everyone loves Ash. Ash could walk through the school on Monday and pick anyone he wanted, and probably have them. He's outgoing, confident, and everything will always come easy to him. If being his friend means putting up with more events like last night, then it's really not worth it. And it's not like I have a chance at being anything else to him. Not only because he's a guy, but because I'm not good enough for him. He was too ashamed to admit he was my friend, for fuck's sake.

So I put my phone face down on the bed beside me and crawl under the covers. If I'm awake when everyone's at the dance, I'll just wonder what they're up to, or if anyone will even notice my absence. I doubt it. I've never attended one before, so why would I start now? I've done this to myself, and it's too late now to wish I hadn't.

— — — —

I wake up on Sunday, disoriented and dizzy. At first, I think it's still Saturday, until I check my phone. Realising I've slept almost twenty-four hours, I force myself up.