Love is a dangerous game (mlm)

I'm Sorry, Father

This is the tenth chapter, yay! I am going to take a break for a month, because test week is coming up. Trigger warning: toxic dad.

(Alexandro's POV)

I can hardly contain the rush of embarrassment and guilt that is flooding my body. I know I've screwed up by letting myself get carried away so much. I should have known better than to let my emotions get the best of me. My father's glare is enough to make me sweat. I can't let him suspect just how much I enjoyed the moment we shared. I walk over to my father who waits impatiently for my arrival. He tells me to follow him to the exit. I can feel his anger and my heart pounds nervously in my chest.

We go to a nearby side alley. I am trying to figure the best way to explain this whole situation, but I can't think straight right now. "Father, I just wanted to..." I begin to say, but he cuts me off by slapping me in the face. I am shocked by the sudden sharp pain that spreads across my cheek. "What on earth did you think you were doing with that traitor? You are better than this. What happened to the boy who would always obey me and was committed to the wellbeing of his gang? Are you really so weak as to give into the charms of the enemy? I heard he has been flirting with you."

I am at loss for words. I don't dare to argue back, because he is right. I am indeed weak. I regret helping Lucas when he was hurt. His condition made me vulnerable. Father taught me that vulnerability is a weakness I must eliminate. "I'm sorry." I mumble while I look down at the floor. My father doesn't seem satisfied with my apology. He continues to scold me, his tone growing harsher with every word. "Sorry? Sorry isn't good enough. It isn't going to fix the damage you have caused. People are forming rumors that you are gay. You have betrayed the family by talking to that fucking twink. If I ever see you even looking at him again, I will make your life a living hell. You will never be allowed to leave our house again. Am I clear?"

"Yes, I understand Father." I bow my head and nod, accepting the punishment. His expression doesn't soften, but when he speaks, he isn't screaming anymore. "Good. It's time to go home now." He starts walking to the car without even looking at me. That's when I know that the conversation is over. I follow closely behind him, like I always do. It is the longest walk I've ever had as the silence crushes me. It leaves me with nothing but my thoughts.

I did something wrong, something shameful. My father is clearly disappointed in me, though I was prepared for much worse. I remember the times when I was younger. My father always demanded excellence from me. He didn't accept anything less than perfection. If I made even the smallest mistake, he would punish me harshly. I learned quickly to behave in a way that wouldn't cause him to punish me. My father was a constant presence throughout my childhood. Even though he was often cruel, I still look up to him. He is the leader of my family and the person who I need to make proud. I want to be just as powerful as him.

Once I sit in the limousine, my thoughts begin to wonder back to Lucas. I replay the whole week in my head. His words of flattery are still ringing in my ears as I imagine him standing so close to me with our bodies pressed together. I remember the way his gaze softened every time we met. I can't stop myself from smiling despite everything that happened with my father and it is confusing me. I always assumed I was straight, even though I never had a crush girls. I am actually not sure what attraction is supposed to feel like, but I guess I am attracted to Lucas. 

I find myself wanting to be with him, wanting to know everything about him. Yet, there is something inside me that keeps telling me this is wrong. I need to forget about my encounter with Lucas. It's pointless to think about him, because I'll never see him again. My father would be furious if he ever knew I liked another boy, so I have to keep those feelings buried deep down inside. I need to focus on my career as a future gang leader. I realize we arrived at our house. We head inside and I go up to my room to avoid my father. I start making some paperwork, a coping technique I have used before. 

I am desperate to forget everything that has happened. It feels like too much to deal with and the only way to keep my sanity is to bury my feelings deep down. I focus on my work, filling my time with endless amounts of paperwork just so that I won't have time to think about anything else. I do it relentlessly, even though I don't like it. I just tell myself that this is the price I have to pay for my mistake with Lucas. I work non-stop, until I fall asleep on my desk.

In the morning, I wake up with an ache in my neck from sleeping over my desk. When I look in the mirror, I see dark circles under my eyes from my lack of sleep. As usual, I go and start getting ready for a workout. Being the only son of a gang leader demands that I'm in top physical shape. Having a training room in the house is like a blessing. The room has all the necessary equipment for a full-body workout, including a treadmill, weights and even a yoga mat. There is also a wall-length mirror so I can check my form.

I begin with a light jog on the treadmill, then move to some weights on the bench press. After a few sets, I can feel my muscles burning from exhaustion. I am so focused on my exercises that I almost don't notice my phone buzzing. I finish up and head over to the room's mirror to check my phone. An unexpected text from Lucas appears on my screen. "Did I do something wrong to make you leave last night?"

A twinge of guilt stirs in my stomach as I read the question. There's no way I can respond to his message. My dad would kill me if he caught me talking to Lucas. I quickly swipe the message away. I wish I could answer him, but I can't. Suddenly, my phone vibrates again. I look at the notification and see that Lucas sent another message. He is making a joke about the night before. He is clearly trying to get me to respond. I finally decide that I can't take it anymore. I block Lucas. I feel a small sense of relief as his number is blocked from my phone. Now he won't be able to contact me and my dad won't find out about my involvement with him. As my heart finally starts to slow down, I head downstairs to get ready for the day.