All My White Lies | bnha

twenty | fears turned into reality

"SH, YOU'LL WAKE HIM UP," 

"I would never,"

The voices were playful, argumentative, touch-and-go. I wanted to envision them for a second, to see the lives that seemed at odds with one another like the sun and moon. I squirmed. Small hands balled up into fists, little spine stretching for relaxation, chest rising and falling as deep slumber turned into consciousness.

I was awake. And that much was evident when I heard my mother whisper to my father again, scolding him for waking me up. However, he hardly had a hand at that and they both knew it; I was never a heavy sleeper. Getting me to sleep alone was a feat in and of itself. My father smiled from behind his glasses, the scruff on his face stretching with his smile.

"You're awake, little buddy?"

I nodded, fists still balled up to rub against my groggy eyes. My figure was limp but heavy enough for him to haul me up onto his knee, away from my mother's knees that had served as my pillow. "No nightmares?" He uttered, fingers pulling at my own chubby ones. Grabbing them just as he wanted to grab my attention.

"No. I fought them off. Like Mama told me to," I mumbled, yawning shortly after and looking over at my mother. Her smile was soft but didn't quite reach her eyes. I couldn't tell if it was the tiredness that took away her happiness or something else. "Well, you did good by listening to your mama. You're our ace. Our number one."

I didn't know what to say to that so I simply smiled bigger, fighting another yawn. "Listen to your mama now too. Big boys can brush their teeth themselves, right? You think you can do that for me?" I quickly nodded. I'd do anything for my mother. "Good, now go on," Her hand pushed against the small of my back.

I remembered toddling down the hallway, pulling out the little stepstool that helped me reach the bathroom sink, fingers curling around my T-rex toothbrush. I was only five.

My sleep wasn't dreamless.

Although, I wish it was.

It would've been easier to sleep with blank white space or an empty black void than to reminisce on what used to be happy memories. The brain has a tendency to pull thoughts from the deepest realms of your past—like pulling a plant from its roots—just to reimagine it. To reprocess it. To understand it.

However, I didn't know why the past needed any more reprocessing, or why it needed understanding. What happened happened. I had accepted that. Still, though, it was as if my brain hadn't. "Hey," I stiffened instantly, peeking from my little makeshift blanket cocoon I had wrapped around myself.

Mandalay was hesitant, lip pulled in between her teeth as her eyes flitted to and away from me every few seconds. "Sorry, did I disturb you? I didn't mean to wake you up," Her paw was curled in front of the door, her feet barely stepping inside the bedroom. There was hesitance in her actions; that if she approached me too fast, too closely, I'd fall apart.

"No, I'm fine. I'm already awake. You just scared me is all," I supplied pathetically, laughing softly to myself and shuffling out of my cocoon. The pro-hero strode towards me, gaining confidence with each stride as she nodded, smiling softly at me. "Alright. I'm glad you feel relaxed here," Mandalay set her paw on my shoulder.

A slight pat followed it and I couldn't help but think back to my mother's touches, flinching away from Mandalay's affection. I muttered a short apology, not even bothering to look up. I knew I'd only meet her concerned gaze. "It's okay. Not everyone's so open with physical affection. Do you think you can get ready in about fifteen? I brought some food too."

She gestured backward and I blinked sluggishly. I hadn't even noticed it earlier, but there was a small plate of warm vegetable curry with rice set on one of the spare tables. "Yeah, um, I can. Thanks," My sentences were awkward and choppy. Part of me wished my tongue weighed like lead like my limbs had earlier.