Twisted Destiny

Part 23 - The Dawn After

Once safely locked in the comforts of my chambers, I quickly put away my belongings, trying to keep my temper at bay.

"Deep breath in. Exhale slowly. In. Out."

It was no use. Seeing a plain, quilted pillow, I snatched it up and threw it across the room. It made a soft thump as it hit the wall, but then fell uselessly to the floor once again. Not even comprehending making my way over to it, I threw it with all my might again, to the opposite side of the room. It made an impact with my writing desk, where a few objects shook, but there was still no damage done to the environment.

It had taken many years, but I had discovered methods to try to stroke my temper. It still overtook me at times, but slowly releasing the anger on something harmless like a pillow was a much better method than taking it out on a human. No matter how much that person was to hurt me, it wouldn't exactly be... fair, for me to hard them. Throw the pillow across the room. Punch the pillow. Do something to get the anger out.

I don't know for how long, but I continued to repeat the exercise until my arm was sore from throwing the pillow around the room so many times, and a light sheen of sweat started to gather on my forehead. My breathing was quick, my heartbeat elevated. This was okay. It should have been okay. It wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. Memories of the event that had happens just hours ago flooded back into my head, but instead of making my way back to the stupid pillow, my legs worked their way over to my bed, and that's where I settled.

I haven't faced defeat for... for forever. It shouldn't have happened, why did it happen. It wasn't as if I had gotten my army when the issue for war was spoken. I had been training that army for years, the only purpose I had in my pitiful little life anymore. Instead of giving up, I knew I should have given up sooner, I refused to face defeat, and had to continue on. I should have known that without other divine power, it was going to be a massacre. I led my men straight into a massacre. They should have been well trained, but they weren't. When faced with a god, they collapsed. No magic, not even a plethora of the most talented swordsman in the world wouldn't be able to defeat a god without the help of others. I should have known, I should have seen through it. The plan wasn't any good, it was bound to crumble. Even thousand of men cannot stand up against the might of a god.

Man against man. God against god. These are balanced. The world isn't balanced in a time like this. A god had the power equivalent to a million men. The reason no one had ever gone to war against a god was because the prospect of it was pure foolishness. It should never work in your favor. I was tainted by the false power of help from the other side, help from other deities. It didn't work, nothing ever worked in my life. I should just resign from my position, and go take my rightful spot in Hell.

That's what everything feels like at the moment, but they still need me, even if I don't want to admit it. Retiring from my position in a time like this is the only thing more cowardly than retreat, and I cannot do that. I cannot let the kingdom suffer like this. So, instead of taking my anger out on a pillow, I sat on my bed with my face in my hands, in deep regret. Regret for everything I should have tried to do, everything I should have done to prevent this catastrophic event. I'm in a role of power, one of the most powerful in the kingdom, and with that power comes the responsibility to train these soldiers. And, I failed. There should be no use in continuing to stall off the task of counting the dead, tending to the injured. There would be heartbreak and sadness spread throughout the entire kingdom. There would be havoc and chaos. I rarely feel such... tendency toward events such as these, but I can only see myself at fault.

It was my fault for leading these innocent soldiers to their deaths.

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