A Little Death

XXV

His hands run through my hair aggressively while he lets his tongue into my mouth. His other hand chokes me, needing me to pull away every few seconds to catch my breath. He puts his hand up my t-shirt. I see him trying to free his hand to strip.

'Joshua, no- Not today.' He sighs and lets go of me.

'Do you wanna watch something?' He asks, grabbing my shoulder and pulling me closer.

'What abou-' I look at some lingerie lying hidden under the couch.

It's not mine though.

'Joshua. What's this?' He looks at the knickers on the floor. 'Probably yours.'

'Joshua, they aren't mine.' He looks at me, confused.

'Are you sure?'

'Joshua.' I get off the couch. 'What the fuck is this? Who the fuck's are these?'

'Skye, I swear to god-' I tilt my head upwards to prevent the tears forming in my eyes from escaping to my cheeks. I feel like barbed wire is wrapped around my throat.

'Skye, if these aren't yours- I'm not seeing anyone else, I'm not sleeping with anyone els-'

'Jos-' My voice is quivering really bad. 'Joshua, if you- I can't believe you.' I put my hand on my forehead.

'This is- I have no idea how-' He looks shocked.

'If you have no idea how, why is there women's lingerie under the couch? Did it crawl in?'

'Skyler, believe me. I don't know whose this is. There hasn't been ANYONE, let alone a girl in this apartment except you.' He grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me hard.

'I don't believe it, I don't believe you, Joshua. I-' I wipe the tear off my face from just under my eyes. 'I don't trust you. Anymore.' I walk towards the door and slam it as I go. 

I can't believe he would do this. I open the door to my own apartment. Fuck, I trusted him. I trusted him so much. I still don't believe it. Everything we had, no matter how messed up. He had helped me get my dad back, he'd helped me fight so many times, he'd made me feel like I wasn't living in a continuous and monotonous cycle. If he hadn't come into my life some time ago, I probably wouldn't be so much happier. 

I'm not happy now.

I'm not happy at all. I want to cry my eyes out and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to not think about it. I want to forget. I want to forget that the first person I'd trusted so much immediately, other than my family, the person that made me feel better, the person that made me feel wanted was cheating on me.

This isn't like the time Holden did. I hadn't been that attached to him, despite our two year relationship. Not as attached as I'd gotten to Joshua in a few months, and I fucking hate to admit it. I hate to admit that he was different from all the men I've met before.

At least I thought he was. 

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I was boring, maybe that's why he did what he did.

Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted a stranger so quickly. There hadn't been any signs that he was cheating on me. Or maybe, I'd grown so attached, I hadn't even thought of it. I wish I had the time to sit and think about it before it happened. I wish I didn't know.

I throw myself on my bed and bury my head in the pillow. 

I don't want this to be true. I don't want that he's lying. I wish I could just forget and it hurts to think about it. It hurts to feel this. I don't want to look back at him as someone I used to have. I don't want to see him with anyone other than me, and I don't want to see myself with anyone other than him.

Joshua's POV

I've been set up. The panties on the floor, they have a tag on them, they're brand new. Except if she thinks I was cheating on her with a jockey saleswoman, she would figure out what's happened.

But I can't tell her just yet. I need to find out who did this, and I can think of more than one person with reason to sabotage us. I'll find out every single little detail about what they've done and I'll make sure they fucking regret it. 

I go down to the laboratories in the building and get it DNA scanned. There's a heart made with marker on the back of it. The fucker. I get the feeling I've seen this heart somewhere. 

I don't believe how Skyler thought I was cheating on her. She didn't even listen to what I was saying. I guess she bought it because she had full reason to, she'd been cheated on before and I was almost convinced I'd cheated on her. 

But I thought she'd believe me. 

'The results are back.' The scientist tells me. I walk over, but decide not to find out who it was. I think I already know. It had to be her asshole ex, although she thinks that's me now.

'No thanks.' He looks disappointed at me, 'Fine, but if you come back to me to find out, I'll let you know.' He says.

'Thanks.'

It has to be Holden. I need to track him.

After a break. I walk out of the lab and go to my penthouse on the 95th floor. I open the balcony to the cold air rushing in, the city shining with lights. Every building with at least a hundred light on. The occasional windows left open. But in this large city, I see no one else outside. There's moving cars on the flyway, people running around the sidewalks, trying to get back home from work. But there's nobody here, outside, sitting, thinking, talking to their family, playing with their pets. There's no one who's outside in the same situation as me. No one with a problem that seeks the company of the full but empty city to get through it. Nobody trying to figure life out, contemplating their problems while sitting on their windowsill or facing their balcony.

I look at the sidewalk cluttered with people, but there's not a single family, walking together laughing. Not a single couple, holding hands with each other. Not a happy kid, with their mom or their dad. But it's fine. It's fine because I don't care. That's been my reasoning to deal with things.

But not this, I do care. I care about Skyler and I'll get her back.