𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐘 彡 [jjk oneshots]

ミ✮ 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 #𝟏

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: no pairing; not a fic

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 692

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: in which my roommate who has never watched jjk makes assumptions about various characters

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: strong language, lowercase intended, unintentional character slander, DO NOT take anything said in this chapter seriously

𝐕. 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐬 — this is the content you guys get when i'm drowning in exams...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★

— 𝐦𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐦𝐢 ; "he's got that whole "edgy, skater boy" thing going for him, but i also feel like he could be a hacker...and he definitely thinks swearing is cool."

— 𝐲𝐮𝐣𝐢 ;  "virgin. sorry, but that's all he's giving me. i think he might only exist for the purpose of comedic relief. he seems nice though, plus i like his hair."

— 𝐧𝐨𝐛𝐚𝐫𝐚 ; "oh, she's so cute! i feel like this girl can do a mean fishtail braid. or just any intricate hairstyle in general. major hairstylist vibes."

— 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞 ; "are you sure he's not, like, thirteen? is he a gamer? seems like the type to insult you over voice chat. might have sticky, hot cheeto fingers and a nasty keyboard."

— 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢 ; "yeah, i don't know...but she seems like a straight-up bitch. she's the type who argues just to hear her own voice. but i just know her taste in music is 10/10. she HAS TO be a total metalhead."

— 𝐲𝐮𝐭𝐚 ; "let me guess. tragic backstory? considering those sad, soulless eyes, he's probably seen some shit. or is he like a murderer? well, whatever, he needs more sleep than i do."

— 𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚 ;  "okay. now you're just fucking with me. why is there a panda in this show?! if i find out that this creature is like the president or something, i will actually eat my sock."

— 𝐠𝐨𝐣𝐨 ;  "is this dude blind? i'm not even trying to be funny. that was a genuine question. either way, he definitely mansplains everything and the last word has to be his all the time. he also misses child support payments on purpose but claims it was an accident."

— 𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐢 ; "ho-ly fucking shit...yeah, i might be pregnant now. there's just something about a man in a suit that really does it for me. i can already tell just by looking at him that he's a no-bullshit type of guy. i love that. for some reason, i think he might be a feminist. such a slay!"

— 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐤𝐨 ; "i know nothing about this woman, but i love her aesthetic. she oozes earth-mother vibes and probably smells like—and this is really specific—the vanilla sugar shower gel from bath and body works. ooh, and she seems like the kind of woman to have insane road rage. i'm talking about getting out of her car and almost fighting someone."

— 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐨 ;  "don't get me wrong, he's very handsome, but has such a punchable face. this is the type of dude to never look you in the eye after you finally sleep with him or rates your performance from one to ten afterward. avid weed smoker i think. i can't even guess his role in this show, but he seems mildly important."

— 𝐭𝐨𝐣𝐢 ;  "yep, i'm pregnant again. what's with all these attractive characters? first of all: big dick energy. it needs to be said. he seems like a villain though...damn. main villain maybe? i don't know. why do i feel like he owns an entire strip club? seems like a disrespectful little bitch who's an anarchist. he also might be into arson. i still think he's hot though."

— 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐨 ;  "ahhh! stop! is that eyeshadow i see? and the hair! why is he the cutest fucking thing? i don't care who he is or what he does. i just love him. i would protect him with my life. that's all."

— 𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐮𝐧𝐚 ;  "the four arms thing is so goofy in my opinion. i can't take it seriously. is he supposed to be like a demon or something? final answer: he's most likely evil. but, i bet he's lowkey classy and collects art in his spare time."

and finally, the bastard who gave me continuous heartburn:

— 𝐦𝐚𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐨 ; "hah, yeah, okay. i got one word for this guy: stinky. in all capital letters. he just looks stinky."