melancholy feelings ~m.m~

part twelve

꧁y/n's pov꧂

"what was your first heartbreak like?" her calm voice asked. i could hear her smile on her lips.

i didn't turn away from my painting. "complicated" i muttered back with a shrug. the soft rain and loud commotion seemingly more audible than before. nelle was over - for the fifth time in the past two weeks i've known her. we've gotten really close in a concise amount of time. it feels weirdly nice. not like how i feel about me and miles.

"that's not an answer." she stared at the popcorn ceiling while running her hands over my soft blanket to her side. in the time we've known each other, i learned a lot of things about her. and she's learned more about me.

i sigh and mix two colors with my paintbrush. she was blunt but most people didn't notice because of her constant grin and sweet attitude. "my first ever?" i repeat in more of a question. it was just as i said before. complicated.

she hums in confirmation and swings her legs back and forth, half off my bed. "we weren't dating." i tell her without turning around. part of me wants to be uncomfortable. because being comfortable is uncomfortable for me.

she just listens. shes good at that.

"it was in middle school. he didn't want anything serious and i did. so he kinda just kept me around when he was bored." i still feel bitter about the situation. at myself for being stupid enough to stick around with him for over six months. and him for obvious reasons.

"how did it end?" she pressed on. she always did. she knew the best questions to corner you at and make it impossible not to answer. or, maybe that's just how i felt because i didn't want to answer.

"i moved. it took me months to realize how stupid i was for putting up with that." my hand squeezed around the small brush in my hands. i finally turned around and put everything down. when i did, she sat up. and right as i was about to add on, she started before me.

"you weren't stupid. falling for someone is never stupid. if anything, he is." her normal bubbly expression became serious. first time i've ever seen that. my jaw clenches but all i do is nod. "i'm serious, y/n. don't hate yourself for being vulnerable. he didn't deserve you."

i nod again. more bashful this time. she knew what to say, always. "yeah, thanks.." i moved to sit down next to her. we had both gotten home from school. miles had to stay back at his dorm to do something. i didn't pay attention. "what was yours like?"

"never had one." her smile returned. she seemed almost proud of the thing she had just told me not to be.

"love? you've never been in love?" that was slightly surprising. i honestly thought by now, everyone would have fallen in love at least once.

"no, heartbreak." her hands go to mess with the long socks that slipped down slightly. she pulled them back up to right below her knees. "i'm kind of in love right now." nelle added. almost so casually i barely noticed the density of the words. she's not the type to mix up loving someone and liking someone.

instantly, i stood up. my eyes wide. she seemed so casual about this. "wait- like in love?!" i repeat for confirmation, but before she can even answer i ask another question. "who?" part of me was scared i would be crossing a boundary but she never let her smile fade. it widdened even as i asked.

"hah...its someone you know..." she suddenly grew nervous. but, excited. like she had been wanting to tell me for a while. my heart dropped. was it miles? i knew they were close but was she really in love with him? she must have noticed the falter in my excitement and continued. "you can't tell him, but...you know mil-"

again, i wanted to cry. my head raced with the idea of them getting together. shes like my best friend. really the only close friend i have besides miles. friend. the word reminds me of what me and miles are and now seemingly all we ever will be.

a few days ago, nick helped me realize where my original jealousy from nene came from. love. well- love is a strong word. i just like miles. but now nene loves him.

"-es friend ganke? yeah...we have math class together. the three of us...i honestly only started talking with miles to get closer to ganke.." she kept trailing off, biting back her large grin. ganke? who-

then, i remember the friend miles has over all the time. the guy who seemed like he couldn't care less about me. this bubbly little ball of light liked this sarcastic, blunt kid? well, at least they have their honesty in common. so she doesn't love miles? god, i really need to work on not jumping to conclusions.

"oh..." was all i muttered out. even with more answers, my confusion only grew. she looked up from her styled nails running over the hem of her navy blue and white socks to meet my eyes.

"what?" her smile dropped. in turn, i stood up straighter and shook my head.

"i thought you were gonna say someone else!" my heart still pounded but seemed to start calming down.

"who?" her head tilted to the side and her curls fell down her shoulders. my face scrunched up and my brows furrowed.

"miles" i try shrugging it off - like i didn't care. but all she did was laugh and shake her head.

"oh, no. i know how much you like him." the girl said it like it was a fact. my stomach dropped and i stepped forward.

"like? i can barely stand him!" did she seriously know? or was i just that obvious?

"okay, bud" she rolled her eyes sarcastically and smiled. "you're so obvious. i see the way you try not to smile when he talks." oh...

i go to lie again, but the way she just smiles like there was no way i could convince her otherwise makes me stop. "ok, but you can't tell him! he probably thinks i hate him anyways. and i wanna keep it that way."

she only shook her head again as i sat back down beside her. "trust me, he doesn't. he never shuts up about you. ganke had to tell him to stop yesterday." she giggled and my head snapped over.

the day before yesterday, after school. miles had me tutor him again. after a while of him getting better, the teacher changed lessons. so, he came over and i helped him out a little. "like what??" i feel my finally steady heart begin to pound again. he talks about me to others??

"'shes so smart. she probably knows what the answer is. should i text her and ask her? you know, i met her mom once'" nene lists, her grin seemingly teasing me now. i feel the warmth practically explode on my face. "and then ganke said 'man, will you shut up? focus on your work before you have to get a good tutor.' and miles said 'y/n is a good tutor! she got me an 89 on my essay!' and they basically just went back and forth the whole class. its like that almost all the time."

i just sit there, breathless and my heart pounding. also, he's lying. he tried to come over once when my mom got the chance to come up to visit. she answered the door and i yelled at him to go away. but, as i think shes gonna stop she keeps going.

"and one time - i saw his sketchbook and there were like 5 drawings of you on that one page!" her grin widened as she continued listing of details that made me want to throw up in a good way. i didn't even know how to respond....

꧁miles pov꧂

"what do you even like about her? shes moody and acts like she hates you." aaron asked as we sat, perched on a building side.

"nah, that's just an act. im tellin' you. your tips worked" i smiled under the holographic mask. i knew he couldn't see it, but he could hear it in my voice.

"told you." he smirked over at me with his iconic smirk. "which ones did you use?"

"kept talking to her no matter what, played along with her jokes, and i even did the hand on shoulder - smile thing?" i tried to remember what it would be called. and if he even gave it a name.

"i told you!" he chuckled lowly. "oh shit- they here." his own hologram mask curled around his face and he trailed to the slick, black car driving up below us.

꧁꧂