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Everyone piles onto the bus, I'm still sat with my headphones just trying to block everyone out.
Leah sits next to me, she puts her hand on my thigh and kisses the side of my head. I smile weakly at her but go straight back into my own thoughts. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her, I need to tell her tonight before she finds out through social media.

The bus back to the training ground feels so long. Even though it's only 20 minutes, it feels like hours and hours. My heart feels like it's ripping out of my chest. I get to my car, Leah trails behind me.
Leah: baby wait? What's wrong?
Maddie: nothing, I just want to go home.
Leah: I know baby, come on, Bruno is waiting for us.
We get in the car and drive home.

I head straight to the shower whilst Leah sorts Bruno out.
I climb into bed before Leah comes upstairs. She sits on the bed
Leah: what's on your mind?
Maddie: I need to tell you something, you can't get mad at me.
Leah: okay?
Maddie: I've asked Jonas to go on loan for the rest of the season.
Leah: what?
Maddie: I just can't be here right now.
Leah: with me?
Maddie: no baby it's not that, I just can't be around everyone. I see how they look at me, how they act around me. I just need to be away from everyone.
Leah: you can't. You can't.
Maddie: I need to, for me.
Leah: what about me?!
Maddie: babe.
Leah: no no you can't! How can I protect you?!
Maddie: see? I don't need protecting, I just need to be treated normally.
Leah: what about us?
Maddie: nothing will change. We did it for 6 years, we can do it for 6 months, right?
Leah: but I want you here, with me.
Maddie: I want to be here, with you but I just need to be out of England for a while.
Leah: abroad? You're moving abroad?
Maddie: I need to baby.
Leah: if that's what you need. Then okay.
Maddie: okay?
Leah: you promise it won't change us?
Maddie: i promise my love.
Leah: okay. I love you.
Maddie: I love you too.
Leah gets changed and gets into bed.
She pulls me into her.
Leah: goodnight my love.
Maddie: goodnight.
She kisses the top of my head and I fall asleep.

The next few days are hectic. I've had a few offers from different clubs around the world. The most appealing one is from the NWSL, Orlando Pride. I've talked to Leah, who says I need to follow my heart. I don't know many people in America, apart from Rafa. Her and Leah were at arsenal together last season.

Maddie: will you be mad if I pick Orlando?
Leah: no baby, it's further than I expected but it's only till summer right?
Maddie: yeah, I just need something different to reset
Leah: question though, how are we going to plan our wedding?
Maddie: don't worry my love, it will happen this year, I don't break promises
I kiss her softly.
Leah: I'm proud of you.
Maddie: really?
Leah: of course my love.
Maddie: I love you.
Leah: I love you more than anything.
I kiss her again.

The rest of the day Jonas is setting up the loan. I'll be gone until July, which seems like a long time but Leah and I have done it before, so we can do it again.

The next day the loan is announced.

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