Don't you shy away

eleven

⚠️WARNING: SELF-HARM⚠️

||Ryana Bronwyn Caldwell||First person||

I stepped out of the shower, dried myself with a towel and wrapped it around my body. I started brushing my teeth, carefully avoiding the mirror. I have hated the way I look ever since I can remember. Maybe because my mum always told me I was ugly. Or maybe because it's true. Or maybe both...

It's been a week since they let me out of the hospital. I was feeling way better now, even though my chest still hurt while breathing.

I opened the drawer under the sink, searching for a new tube of toothpaste, because the old one was running out. I always forget how many useless things I keep in that drawer. Expired medicine, makeup I bought but never used, a pen, at least five razors... Yeah, the razors. I can still see some wounds of the deeper cuts I placed on my wrists...

••FLASHBACK••

I was sitting in the shower, hot water running down my body. It was burning my skin, but why would I care when I was cutting deep holes in my arms with a razor? Does the hot water even matter if my body is gonna stay here until my mother finds it? I don't need healthy skin anymore. I don't even need skin. I just want all my blood to leave my body and let my head tilt off to the side not caring about anything anymore. I have so much power in my hands. So much power in such a small tool... It could kill me... Just one cut placed perfectly, and I'm dead...

As the days passed, I started placing the deep cuts in my thighs too. I looked horrible and I felt like that too. I was afraid of the razor. But mostly, I was afraid of myself. I had nobody to save me from myself...

••END OF FLASHBACK••

I grabbed all of the razors I found and threw them into the bin.

I went back to the sink, closed the drawer and finished brushing my teeth.

I opened the drawer again. No razor.

I looked up, put lotion on my hands and started rubbing it in my skin with a circular motion.

In the corner of my eye, I saw the bin with the razors in it.

I took the towel off my body and put my pajamas on.

All those sharp razors in the bin...

I walked to the basket, took out one of the razors, opened the drawer again and threw it inside.

I was sitting on the sofa when someone rang the bell. I stood up, grunted because of the sharp pain in my lungs, walked to the door and opened it with a yawn. It was Tyler. I let him in before asking "Hey Ty, what's the occasion?"
"I wanted to talk about something"
"Uuh, okay, go ahead" I said, feeling uncomfortable.
"In the hospital, you said you saw me jump off a cliff and you hurt your head in a rock... That's not true. Not at all, as you can see" he pointed at himself and I knew he was right
"I know Tyler, but I am sure I saw it happen. I'm a hundred percent sure, please believe me!"
"I believe you, Ryana, but that could only mean one thing, you made it up. It was a hallucination."
I froze. Hallucination? Me? Why? That can't be, it's just so out of the blue.
"Why do you think that is the case?" I asked with a calm but rather cold tone.
"Ryana! Think about it! Is there any other normal explanation you can come up with? You say you are a hundred percent sure you saw me jump off a cliff. That DID NOT happen! What else could have happened??"
He was right. I knew.
"But I'm so afraid, Ty" I felt tears streaming down my face
"What will happen to me now? What will the people in the hospital say when we tell them?" Tyler hugged me tight and as my nose caught his scent, I immediately felt a bit better.
"Look, Ryana, I am right here. I will help you, I promise. Jenna will help too. You have us, your friends. I'm sure it won't be a huge deal for the doctors. I can come with you and we can tell them" he said with a soothing voice.
"Thanks, but no. You have already done way too much for me. I'm really thankful for you even singing to me in the hospital" I answered
"I had to. I couldn't just leave you there. Anyway, it's your decision. If you change your mind and want me to come with you, you know where I live. I better get going now"
"Good night, Ty" I said and closed the door after he left.

I locked the door, turned around, pushed my back to it and slowly slid down to the ground. No, this is just a nightmare. I have never hallucinated. This is just not logical. Yeah, I always had nightmares, but I know them way too well, and this was not one. Is hallucinating a symptom of bipolar disorder? I searched it up and found out it turned is. But I've never had a hallucination before. So that could only mean my condition is worsening. But why? For the first time in my life, I'm mostly surrounded by people I love and who care about me. I felt horrible. I just wanted this whole hallucination thing to dissapear. Or, even better... For me to dissapear.

Of course, I told Tyler he didn't have to come to the hospital. But I won't go either. I won't tell anyone else. It would just cause more confusion and my two awesome friends would have another thing to feel sorry about. Which I definitely don't want. I don't want to be the baby who has to be taken care of. I'll figure it out. I had way bigger problems back in highschool and I always figured them out alone.

•••

I went to the bathroom before going to bed and while I was sitting on the toilet, the razors in the bin caught my eye. I shook my head and muttered to myself "No, Ryana. Don't even think about it!"

I was washing my hands when my eyes wandered to the bin again. I looked up, in the mirror. On purpose. I looked in my ugly eyes and hissed at myself "I said not. Those days have passed. You are happy now." But my hands didn't want to obey. Without hesitation, I opened the drawer under the sink, took the razor out and started taking it apart with experience. My hands were moving quickly and  confidently. I had the blade in my palm after a half a minute. I took it in my right hand and started crying as I firmly pushed it into my left wrist. I had to be quiet or Tyler would hear it in the neighboring apartment but I couldn't help the continuous sobbing as the well-known sharp object entered my flesh again and again. I was so disappointed in myself. I thought I'd stop self-harm forever after moving out.

When I finished, I took a bandaid and wrapped it carefully around my lower arm.

I went to bed and slowly cried myself to sleep.

|{•}|

Author's note:

Oh gosh, it's been such a long time. I am sorry, but I had a lot of stuff and everything. But anyway, it doesn't really matter because basically nobody reads this but oh well.

Btw Overcompensate just came out 3 days ago and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!! It inspired me to write this chapter way longer than I would have otherwise. And I promised myself I'd write every day. I don't know how much, but I will try to come back every day and try to add something.

Anyway, I'm REALLY excited for the new album Clancy (coming out May 17) and I hope you are too!

Love you, thanks for reading 😘

~L