𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐘 | callum turner

013, fair?

MESSY
013, fair ?

" IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!"

Drew shouts into the air of silence between us as he paces around the room, grabbing his things in clenched fists as I stand on the other side leant against the closed doors of the balcony and the only words I can bring myself to say are,

" I'm sorry."

And each time those three syllables exit my mouth he looks up at me, my heart aching at the look that his squinted eyes give me. Longing for the way he looked at me no longer than an hour ago, before I took him out of the bathroom and up here.

Before I told him that I couldn't be in this relationship anymore. Before I said that I couldn't be in love with someone when I liked someone else.

He throws it all in his bag, I can only stand by the door and toy with my necklace. The necklace Callum gave to me — fuck. I move my hand to my stomach that feels like it's churning.

" I always knew it." he tells me, looking up to me with glistening eyes that he's using to hide his pain behind anger I'm pretended isn't there.

" I always knew there was something going on there- with you two, and I let you trick me into thinking there wasn't." he points a finger at me and I feel my body lift off of the closed doors, hesitating to step closer to him. He wouldn't hurt me, I knew that so much that the thought of questioning my own safety had never ever crossed my mind in Drew's company. It was more because I was afraid of how I was hurting him, just by being in the same room as him.

I shake my head " I didn't know anything was there before, that's not fair." I say as he looks up at me.

" fair? you want to talk about what's fair right now?" his voice booms slightly louder than I'm use to. My throat runs dry as I nod my head.

" fuck you olympia! " he tells me, " what's not fair is that I've spent the last year of my life wasting a future with someone who saw me as a goddamn placeholder."

He was never a placeholder — each touch, every smile, each time butterflies took sanctuary in my stomach, every 'I love you' it was never fake. It was never a pastime.

It was real, it was all raw and full of emotion. Even now, my heart is ripping itself apart just doing this. My eyes tear up, which he notices when he looks up to me. The anger in his eyes diminishes slightly as I shake my head. 

" no! don't do that." I raise my voice at him, deciding to defend myself " I do not see you as a placeholder, I loved you!" I call out and watch as his face goes softer yet still remains sad.

My hands cup my face " I do, I do love you Drew." I tell him. And he pushes the lids of his eyes shut and I can tell he wants to tell me to let go of him, yet he doesn't actually want me to so he doesn't.

" but you love him more." he rolls his eyes and I shake my head.

"But  it is not fair for me to feel this way when I'm with you, it's not fair for us, what we've built together." I tell him, correct whatever assumptions he has of me even if they don't last after he leaves this room.

" so you're just going to leave it all to be with someone who you're not even sure wants you back?" he scoffs as I shake my head.

" I'm leaving it all, because it's not fair for you." I tell him " it wouldn't matter if Callum was with anyone, I've never used you as a place holder and I won't start now.

He looks at me, for a few seconds I see a glimpse of civility — although it is quite clearly only a few seconds as he snorts a laugh and he zips up his bag. Shaking his head as he slings it over his shoulder and turns away from me.