Unable (boyxboy)

I swear, I love you

Rouben twiddled his thumbs, looking down. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow "what's up?"
his frowned deepened and he glanced at me then looked back down "Rouben, what is it?" 

His eyes met mine with a sad expression "Why don't you tell me you love me..?" I tilted my head "what's l-l-l-lo-love?" his eyes widened.

He stood up and kissed me, putting a hand to my chest. His hand made me able to feel my rapidly beating heart. I gasped and broke the kiss, clutching the place where my heart was beating out of my chest.  "Rouben, I don't love. I don't even know what the emotion is!"

He smiled sadly, got up and walked out. my frown deepened. I could feel my heart beat slow down to an unnatural slow beat when he frowned sadly and left. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't pick up so I shrugged it off and watched some TV (best boyfriend ever I swear).

I didn't do anything about or for Rouben until I got a call about thirty minutes after he left

"Hello?"

"Is this Sin Wale?"

"yeah, who's ask'n?"

"we are very sorry to inform you, but your boyfriends is in critical care"  I dropped the phone in shock, all I could do was stand there while the lady on the phone said "Hello? Hello?" over and over again. I slowly bent down and picked up the phone "Uhm... you still there? I dropped the phone.."

"yes, I'm still here. Would you like to know the hospital name, miss?"

"I'm a guy and yes"

She gasped over the phone "Oh dear, I'm so sorry sir! Our phone is messed up so you can't really tell the difference and he said boyfriend so-"

"I get it, no big deal! what hospital?!"

"right, sorry...Caplyn Hospital, sir"

I hung up the phone, grabbed my car keys and ran out the door screaming "SANDRA, DON'T BURN THE HOUSE DOWN BITCH"

*~* TIME SKIP BECAUSE I STILL CAN'T DRIVE *~*

 I burst through the door, scaring people (Not like I'm not used to it but still, really? you're scared of someone bursting through a door? wow) I heard someone mutter "why do people keep doing that?" but shrugged it off as unimportant. I walked up to the front desk with a calm mask, though inside I was screaming at the reason for Rouben getting hurt. 

"I need the room for Rouben Collin, please" I'm sure the please gave away my concern, but at this point I don't give a fuck. The lady typed loudly with her perfectly manicured hands "14A, first floor" I nodded and ran down the hall.  

Roubens mother, his sister and father were all there crying for him, while he was just laying there, sleeping. I chocked down the sob that was about to rip itself from my throat.  I let out a shaky breath and everyone looked at me, the one trying to be strong, the one who is crying over his boyfriend when he couldn't even say a simple three words.

'its my fault'

'it's my fault'

'its my fault'

I could feel myself fall to my knees, wiping away tears, trying to get them to stop. But at the  same time, I wasn't doing anything...I couldn't feel anymore. I tried to get up, but I fell back down. The family left the room, giving me pity looks 

'don't, I don't deserve those stupid looks'

I shakily got up, walking toward Rouben. Nerve wracking sobs were the only other noise in the room other than the monitor and his subtle breathing. I gripped Roubens hand, the only thing I could do, without crying more.

'I've never cried before, not even when my grandmother, the only person who loved me died. So why do I cry now?'

It felt as if one hundred thousand swords had pierced my heart, ripping it to shreds. I clutched the place my heart was, leaning over Rouben trying to calm myself by listening to his steady heartbeat. 

'what is this pain? it's like everything in me is crying for Rouben, like something important just died..'

Maybe I do love him? I don't know. I'm not sure what the emotion is. I went to Google on my phone with a shaky hand, I typed 'what is love?' in the search bar. With a shaky breath I clicked the link

'Love:

1. when you can't stand to be away from a certain person. When every fiber of your being wants nothing more than to make them happy. When your heart beats fast for a certain person.

2. an intense feeling of deep affection towards someone

3. a feeling of romantic or sexual attraction for someone'

I dropped my phone and ran over to Rouben, grabbing his hand and apologizing over and over until I ran out of breath (the second time). 

I put our foreheads together and cried, some on my tears got on his face so I wiped them off with a trembling hand.  His eyelids fluttered a bit, he opened them slowly with a small smile on his beautiful face.  (this reminds me of 'The Fault In Our Stars' I am almost crying dude) Rouben groaned and went to grab his arm, but his breathing hitched when he didn't find anything but air. He gave me a panicked look

"Sin"

"y-yes?"

"Is my arm there..?"

I could feel myself stop breathing "n-no..." 

I watched as his sapphire eyes filled with tears, I wrapped my arms around him trying to be helpful. He wrapped his arm around my waist and cried into my shoulder. I kissed his bandaged forehead and whispered "you know, that's a pretty cool battle scar, better than any of the ones I have" He chuckled through his sobs and shook his head, squeezing my waist. I pulled away and wiped away his tears, whispering in his ear

"Rouben, I'm so glad you're alive, I don't know what I would do without you in my life....I swear, I love you... but I'm still not sure....I'm not one hundred percent on it yet..but I swear, I do..." 

His face brightened the whole room after that, his smile wouldn't leave his face. Soon after though, his family came in, saw he was awake, coaxed me off him and hugged him to death.

Visiting hours were over by the time the hug stopped, I frowned when the nurse came in to tell us. Roubens smile dropped and was replaced by a frown.
I smiled and kissed his lips whispering a "see you tomorrow, Rouben"

I walked out the door with a smile, thinking

'мое все , моя любовь' (1)

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1. Russian means 'My everything, my love'