The archive of the forgotten

Sanctimonious selfishness

Trigger warning: Death, suicide, illness

"Can we talk?" He asked as he sits down in front of me. "I don't know can we? I suppose there are words coming out of our mouths.....shocker." I say without looking up from my drawing but smirking a bit. "I'm serious Renard." I look up and see the pain in his eyes. I put down my pen and look at him. "What do you want to tell me Gawain?" He looks at me, with pleading blue eyes. I pretend not to understand the thing I know too well.

"When somebody ask me how I am doing I feel the need to lie. I want to say I am fine, I want to tell them how much I love and enjoy the world. And I have become a rather proficient liar but I do not want to lie to you Renard." I look at him through the white points of my red hair, the reason I was named after a fox. "Why are you telling me this?" I ask, slightly tilting my head, afraid of his answer.  "I want someone to care about my well-being, genuinely." Theres a hesitation before I ask: "How are you?" "I'm in pain Renard, I am in terrible pain. I am rotting from the inside without the hope of a cure. Without the hope of ever feeling normal again, it is too much and it is not enough. I am overwhelmed and I crave more life. It is an illness full of contradictions. I crave understanding. I crave.....an end." I look down, I think I know what he is asking me but I am afraid to offer it. Because than he might think I would do it for him. I do not know if I am able.

He grabs my hand. "Renard, please, you are my best friend." I pull my hand back and look down, not wanting to make any eye contact at all so he doesn't see my tears. "You know what I feel like Renard, I need you to help me. You could help me. It's just a pain medication, you could tell them I have stolen it. Or you could give me prescription and I could do it myself. Just do not let me suffer like this!" He begs, I rest my hand on my hands and visibly start crying. "I will abstain from all intentional wrong-doing and harm." I say as I look up at you and m expression changes to and emotionless as I can seem. I do not want him to know this hurts me too, I am so incredibly selfish. I know that. "This is what I promised and THIS IS WHAT I WILL KEEP!" I scream, standing up a slamming my fist on the table. "I am sorry Gawain, I cannot have you kill yourself with my signature! I cannot have my doctor's license revoked. I am not risking my career, My life, my happiness so I can save your life.... No, I am lying. I would do that for you.But I will not risk it all for you to end your life!"

"You have no idea what anguish I am feeling. I feel like my guts have been ripped out and my mind no longer works because all it is able to do is register pain. I need to get out of this hell. I need your help. You are my only option, please, please.....please Renard. Take my life, please just give me morphine. "I won't do it Gawain, I cannot. I have my oath, I have my morals, I have....." I bite my lip. "I just can't" I say as I stand up and walk away, My low ponytail with it's white points grangecully bouncing up and down. "You are cruel, you are selfish you know." I turn around. "What?" I look my best friend in the eye as he insults me and I feel a tear on my face. "I might be...." I say as I look at him with a bitter and arrogant expression. "I want you to feel the pain I feel, I wish you will catch this disease. I want you to be just as miserable as I am. And see how long it takes you before you grab the morphine bottle!" I smile. "I understand." "I HATE YOU. YOU SELFISH SLY FUCKING FOX, YOU THINK YOU ARE MORALLY SUPERIOR WITH YOUR GOOD DEEDS AND FUCKING SANCTIMONIOUS ATTITUDE!" I look at him and walk up to him as I grab his face. I kiss his forehead. "I forgive you." A tear streams over his face. "I just need all this to be over. I need to finally have rest, I need to die, I need to be gone." I cradle him as we slowly fall onto our knees. "It'll be alright. It'll be alright" I whisper.

It's been two months since the fight. I am making tea Gawain has only been getting worse. I cannot look at him without feeling this immense sense of guilt. I look at the white sugar as it slowly dissolves. I bite my lip as I take the cup to the table and give it it Gerwain. "Good morning, how are you today?" "Still wishing I was dead." I smile and nod as he takes the first sip of the tea. I give him a scone and grab the clotted cream and jam. "What tea is this?" "Earl grey, we were out of breakfast tea." I say as I sit down opposite of him and smile. "It tastes like...marzipan or almonds?" I look at him "I am sorry." I say with tears in my eyes. He smiles. "Thank you, how come you chose to listen to me?" "seeing you suffer hurt more than I thought it would. You were right I am selfish." "I promise, you're not. You are....perfect. Thank you." He says. "I love you" I confess, painfully aware I will never hear it from him again.

I stare at my best friend, his head resting on the table. Beside the foam in his mouth he looks alive. It might sound morbid but there is a certain peace in him now that he is dead. No more suffering, no more misery. I look at my tea and hesitantly ask myself if I should stir the same cyanide through my cup. I take a deep breath and rock back and forth, whispering you'll be alright over and over again.

Might edit this and may make a part two