The archive of the forgotten

Go on, kill yourself

Trigger warning! dark themes, suicide, blood

"Go on, kill yourself." The shadowy being says as he hands me the old fashioned gun in my hands.

Some minutes before

I look at me in the mirror. I cannot take this anymore, I know I need to do this. Life here on earth does not have a meaning anymore. I am a ghost, I am a nobody, no one will grieve when I leave. The only thing that will happen is that they're finally free of the burden that has always been me. I will not be the one holding them back. I wish I could erase myself from excistence. I grab a bottle of amitriptyline, I cannot help but realise the strange irony of overdosing with an antidepressant.

The world is slowly getting more and more blurry as I stare at the beautiful nightsky. One of the few things I will miss. I hear my heart in my head and I feel myself breathing in my fingers. Nothing is normal anymore and everything is twice as beautiful and twice as bitter as I am saying goodbye to it. I laugh as a bright light appears in front of me. I reach up to it and close my eyes.

"Welcome Luca" Somebody says. I open my eyes, I am in a white world. There's nothing for miles and miles. I wonder if this might be heaven, am I good enough to enter heaven? I look at the person who said my name. It is something resembling dust in the air, but it is almost shaped like a human and if you would try your best you could see a face in it. "Who are you" The figure seems to smile. "I am nothing, I am everything I am all in between." "Are you an angel" It smiles. "Yes and no." I know it will not give me more answers.

"Where am I?" "You're last station. The last thing you need to pass through before we can lay you to rest." "Why do I still need to pass this?" I ask. "Well, many people regret doing the thing you have done. So we decided to make this trial. To see whether people would go through with it." "I am sure I want to die." I say. "We will see" he says as he begins to walk into the nothingness.

I begin to walk towards it too, but the shadow creatures normal pace but I begin to run. The white landscape is slowly turning blacker and blacker. "Are you sure Luca." I hear. "I am!" I scream into the nothingness. I do not see the creature anymore. "You know nothing of the world yet Luca." I feel tears as I am running and running. "Didn't you mention you wanted to see the rocky mountains once in your life." "Those were dreams, I do not even have the energy!" "You promised your brother to be the best man at his wedding." "Well If I would've died naturally he wouldn't mind either!" I say. They will not care that I am gone. I feel doubt fill my heart as I run and run and run till I collapse on the slippery black floor.

"You WIn! I do not know what I want!" I begin to cry on the ground. I feel a hand on my shoulder. She shadowy figure kneels. "It is alright to want to give up your life Luca." He says while caressing my face. For a second I think I see my mother's face. But it fades quickly. "I want to go." I say. The figure hugs me and stands up. "Follow me." The black nothinness slowly turns white again. I follow the figure as we near a mirror. I look at myself. I look exactely like I know myself. I look miserable and dead. The figure looks at me before softly touching the mirror. It breaks and somebody steps out of it.

It is me, when I was around seven. I smile, I was so precious. Life was alright back than. I kneel wanting to welcome the child in my arms. Loving myself for once in my life. but the shadowy figure stops me. "this child is you, as you noticed." there is a old fashioned revolver in his hands all of a sudden. "Go on, kill yourself." he says as he hands me the gun. I feel tears in my eyes as I try my best to lift the gun and point it in the child. but I can't I cannot kill the innocence in this child. I fall onto my knees and starts to weep. As I am breaking down the shadowy figure looks into my eyes. "Child, you do not seem to have given up your hope. You do not belong here, your home isn't here. Not yet."

I open my eyes a white hospital room frightens me. I am alive........... I see my brother. I am ALIVE!!! I feel tears of joy in my eyes. "Luca!" he screams as he embraces me. "I thought you were going to die." "I am so so fucking sorry Gorgio" "Sorry? You shouldn't be sorry I should've seen you were not okay. I could've known dear." he hugs me again. "You scared us." "I seem to have scared myself." I say as I cry into his white shirt.

My brother is getting a cup of coffee when I see a picture when we were young. I look at the little face. I smile. "I am sorry, I did not mean to hurt you"

Silly little writing excersice