The archive of the forgotten

The better one ~ touch

The dorm is eerily silent and dark as we wait for the arrival of the headmaster or the first rays of morning, whichever will come first. I try to focus on the wall, mostly to avoid the shame I feel for telling the truth. But is trying to prevent the death of your friend such a crime? I just want to keep these boys safe as long as we are here. When they're free they can join and rebellion they want, they can shoot themselves in the head if they desire to, but I won't let them be victimized by the people who will always condemn us. I just want to go to Thrjel, I want to cry, I want him to be my self-validation, I want to hug him and I want him to hug me. I don't think that Kuon understand that as long as we are here you need to be a perfect victim, or at least a decent one. You cannot afford to look for teeth, you need to shave them down so you are aware how much damage you can do when you don't need to anymore by the time you get out. But this environment is too small to start anything that will pay off. You can only perfect your own outlook on life when you're here, so you can at least talk by the time you get out of this prison without walls.
I stare at the wall and bite on my lip, slowly tearing it apart but maybe he deserves it for serving no purpose but the wrong words. I don't understand how my mind is so incredibly loud and quiet at the same time, it's saying so much that I cannot hear it anymore. The world feels like it is dreamt up by me and I could not care less about it. The murmuring of the others is so loud, so annoying, so real.

I hear the door opening and slamming shut. The heavy sounds that drowned me, I do not registrate anything, I just stare at the wall and hope Kuon got rid of the mine lamp he was carrying. Not to mention the pliers. I feel hands around my arms and they drag me towards the door, I don't struggle or protest, I haven't done it. And I can hardly understand what they're saying, I am so tired. I am so angry, am I angry? I don't know. I give up.

The room of the headmaster seems to be getting more gloomy every time I step foot in it (Or am dragged into it.) The chair feels uncomfortable and bare as I wait for my judgement and wonder if it would be incredible bad manners if I would try to sleep for a while. But the arrival of the headmaster persuades me not to try it. I smile as he sits down in front of me.
"We see each other rather often lately." I say win the surprising manner of positivity.
"Xad, we know what kind of activity you were involved in before you came here."
I smile and nod "It's still allegedly Sir, there's never been any evidence."
He looks down, I wonder if he is trying to hide his smile, if so it reminds me that he is human somewhere too.
"This is no joking matter Xad, this will cost the school money. And it will cause possible insurrection in the school."
"Well, if this really was a student and not some kind of animal there already is insurrection."
"Ah you get it Xad, atta boy, and of course you understand that we need to find the perpetrator?" He says as he grabs a revolver out of his desk. "We want the truth Xad, nothing more."
"If you would really want me dead so badly you'd have succeeded long ago. Not to mention that the reason you want to find them is so people will see the consequences. Truth doesn't matter in your book, in your truth." I say with a smile.
Ihe puts his finger on the trigger. "We just want the truth."
My eyes feel so tired and I just want to get him off my back, I need to go to bed. I sigh and look up "The truth... the whole truth? Alright I will tell you the whole truth, Sir. I didn't do it, why not? I am just a dumb teenage boy. I could care less about the rules of this school, or the laws of this government but instead of a rebellion I probably just need a hug. But fantasising about it makes the beds feel a little warmer at least. I have more problems than I remember and sometimes I think I am collecting them as I always create more, even if I don't want to." I laughs and look at the headmaster he looks speechless and I feel a spark inside of me that start to enjoy this. "I feel stupid most of the time, whilst I have the best grades of the whole class and still feel like I am not enough. I hate my own face because I can only see its imperfections. I feel like I can fix my life as long as I am angry enough. I no longer know whether it is the school that erased my sense of self or if I have done that myself. Or maybe I never had one to begin with. But I just pretend it doesn't bother me. That's easier right?" I scrunch up my nose and shrug. I look at the headmasters confused face, his mouth ajar and I cannot help but chuckle a bit. "So yeah, that's the whole truth. Probably not the truth you were looking for but still." I say proudly.
He closes his mouth and regains his composure. "So you didn't do it?"
"No sir." I say with a smile, a warm smile, a relaxed one I dare to say.
"And you don't know who did it?"
I don't hesitate, I know how to lie, my life consists of it. "No sir."
"Good, thank you so much Xad. You can go."
"Really? I was looking forward to telling you more about my problems I joke." And I am quite certain that I hear something alike to laughter coming out of the mouth of the person that could've been my killer.
"Thank you for your cooperation Xad." He says as he waves me away and I listen happily, sleep has been calling my name for a long time.