The archive of the forgotten

the better one ~ finally

Living feels like a sin. Not to mention that it doesn't feel like living, I stumble in and out of days without any good reason or happiness. What does it matter anymore, I am powerless, words that leave my mouth don't have a meaning or a reason. I keep myself busy and avoid talking, thankfully Thrjel seems to understand. Or at least he tries, he is too good for me isn't he? I swallow the lump in my throat that's probably just made out of air, I'm looking at the sunset, the place where Kuon sat the last time I spoke to him feels tragically empty, and so does my head. I sigh and look at the people down in the garden, on one side I see the children trying to study with this beautiful weather. And when I stand up and walk to the other side of the ledge I can see the private garden of the headmaster, and I can taste defeat, and anger. But this time I see the headmaster and he is playing with a dog, a shepherd of some kind. I tilt my head and look how lovingly he pets this creature. He handles it with far more care than he has ever handled any child at this school. He must love that dog, the humanity written in his movements make me smile, but also cause my mind to go somewhere that might be a stupid decision. I look at the loving way he pets the dog and wonder if his son might've felt the same love, or if he might hate his father just as much as we do. How could someone like this perform such atrocities towards humans but fall in love with an animal, what does an animal have that humans lack? I smile and find the answer, they don't have their own ideas. Maybe I should teach him a lesson one way or another.... I really should. I stand up and walk back into the room.

I stare at the razor as I wonder if it's a good idea to think this through. I shake my head and put it in my pocket, avoiding eye contact with the mirror in front of me. I walk back onto the roof and look down, I wonder how hard it'll be to climb down, I chuckle and remind myself that years ago I was able to scale a church with the tallest tower of the country. I crack my knuckles and start to descend, my hands instinctively remember where to find the edges. It feels like I am still wearing the leather fingerless gloves of my childhood, I faintly hear the laugh of Dywaîn. I should not have remembered that, I feel my hand slip from the rough surface opening my skin. The dog is lying in the tranquil field and when I fall into the gras and gasp, trying to ignore the pain in my back, he stands up to investigate. Its movements are slow and peaceful, as if it doesn't know hostility. The dog licks my face and I can't help but smile, but when I kneel I can see his eyes, the eyes are as blue as they get. The dog looks me deep into my eyes and I feel the hatred for the blue eyes of it's owner as I grab the razor out of my pocket. I pet the dog and smile.
"This is not your fault... but he deserves to be hurt." I lean in and put the razor to the neck of the beautiful dog. I will do it quickly, it won't hurt the creature, only its cruel owner. I have already killed one animal, a second will not condemn me any more than I already am. My hand trembles and the dog quits panting, he tilts his head and instead of any awnlund he only reminds me of Thrjel, and what thrjel said, this dog hasn't done anything wrong, I have no right to hate it. I lower the razor and tilt my head with tears in my eyes "Why should you be punished for somebody else's mistakes?" I ask the dog and stand up, putting the razor back in my pocket. The dog puts its nose on my leg as if he is asking something but I am not quite sure what it might want.

"Are you fond of dogs too Xad?"
I turn around, the headmaster emerges from the house and I can feel my heart racing in my ears. But he doesn't walk up to me, he walks to the dog and crouches. He pets him lovingly and the dog groans with happiness.
"You can pet him xad." He says as he guides my hand to the dog and I look at this man, unwilling to believe this is the same cruelty driven man who has killed people like me. The soft fur of the dog caress my hand and transfers its warmth, I close my eyes and see scruff and bear in front of me.
"I am fond of dogs." I say with a smile as I pet the pet.
"I can see that Xad... I thought you were more of a cat person." He says with a chuckle. It surprises he would joke that lightly about something that might set me off. But I don't respond, I just focus on the dog.
"I didn't have much choice..." I chuckle, surprised those words leave my mouth. "We used to have two dogs when I was young. They were larger than I was, they were incredibly nice, they had a golden heart."
"Were they gray and scruffy?" He asks and I look at him with a frown as I nod. "Those are Fianlunders, A hunting dog that was cross bred with Fianlynd wolves. The nicest hounds anywhere, but if you threaten their family they can kill a bear."
"A lot of them were killed during the official occupation." I say as I hug the dog.
"I did not know that Xad." He says while he sits down on the lawn.
I nod, "They were a symbol of our country. And they were a way of making us even more afraid of you." I say with a sigh.
"I am so sorry about your dog's Xad." He puts his hand on my shoulder and I immediately jerk away. I look at him, my eyes flutter and I try to keep breathing, I turn my back on him and put my own hands around my neck, brushing everything there might be stuck there, or in there off. I feel his hand on my shoulder again and immediately turn around, my breathing is heavy as I stare at him, wondering if he doesn't understand that I am deathly afraid of him. I shake my head and keep backing away.
"Is everything alright Xad?"
I look him up and down and the blood of Kuon flashes through my mind as it is stuck on his hands. I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry sir. I shouldn't have..." I run back into the school.