The archive of the forgotten

the better one ~ potential

Thrjel stares at the diploma. Where do I start to be angry. Can I be mad? Or have I been foolish.
"This can't be legal." He says, he can hardly keep his voice from breaking, his reaction might be more visceral than mine.
I look at him and feel my eyebrows turn upside down as I try to keep my eyes from twitching. My face cramps up into sadness as I keep nodding, the lump in my throat makes it hard to breathe and I can hear myself wheezing, just like I can hear the blood in my ears.
"Oh darling...." He says as he rushes to me and embraces me as tightly as he can. But even though he is holding me I fall to my knees, I can't breathe. There is this strange stillness within me, I am so angry, but I do not feel the need to fight, I only feel the need to think. To keep this anger somewhere in my heart, to feed it, so that finally the explosion might make some impact. My hands tremble as they look for the floor, for something substantial, something real, something that will exist no matter what. I sit down and stare at the wooden boards, my breath passes through my teeth and I wonder if I disappointed myself or the world around me. Thrjel kneels down and wipes my tears.
"We will find a way Xad.... I promise."
"You can't keep that one."
"Even if I can't I will try." He responds.
I wrap my arms around him. Tightly, too tightly, I cannot lose him today either. I need him to stay, I need to stay here. I need to.... I don't know what I need. I need to get myself together. I take a deep breath and look up at him his beautiful blue eyes staring back at me and I nod. I stand up and grab the gun I have made out of the bag.
"You need to give it to your mum...." I say, my voice hardly has volume.
He chuckles "Why wouldn't you give it yourself?" He asks.
I tilt my head, I am beginning to believe I am getting dumber and dumber.
"You didn't think we would just leave you to fend for yourself Xad? You need somewhere to live, and I am not really ready to lose you yet." He says as he wraps his arm around me.
"You afraid you'll miss me dimwit?" I ask as I look at him.
He smiles cheekily. "I know I would, my mopstick." He messes up my hair and I groan to hide how grateful I am, and how moved that he thought I would trust him enough to just.... know that I would stay there.
"You are going to be safe Xad. I promise that...."
"You could have said it earlier you idiot...." I say with a chuckle.
"I like suspense." He answers with a smirk.

I rub my blouse inside my elbow as we walk though the familiar halls. I try not to remember all the conversations I have had here, good, bad, strange and incredible. I chuckle as we pass the place where Thrjel discovered I was an insubordinate. We walk to the insubordinate dorm and thankfully nobody seems to be in there. I open the creaking door and hum the same tone as I look inside one last time.
but there he is, standing in the middle and staring at us, his big eyes gleaming beautifully with tears. I walk to him and take a deep breath. I slowly get to my knees and blink slowly, I put my hand on the back of his and kiss his forehead, like the times my mum would check if I was really sick. I put my nose in his soft black hair and smell the childlike odour that doesn't have this hopeless dolour yet. I wrap my arms around him and so does he, I feel his shoulders shake in sadness. I lean back and look in his eyes, my smile hides the tears, I cannot cry now, he needs to know everything is going to be alright.
"Hey look at me." I say as I try to catch his darting eyes. "Listen kid, you're going to be okay."
He starts to sputter but I just hold his shoulders and nod along. "Listen Cyaren, you are going to do this. I believe in you." I sigh and shake my head. "Be good, and then I don't mean the way they tell you to be good. I mean that you should never forget where you came from. Don't cause havoc, be better than I was. Be inconspicuous, but remember who you are. Remember Kuon, remember me, remember Thrjel, remember the kindness in the world. However hard it will get." I hug him tightly. "Be brave, little one. I am still looking out over you, just from a distance, just like Flip...." I whisper.
"I don't want you to go." He whispers.
"I know darling, I know..." The tears stream down my face as I have to abandon something again. "I'll find you. When you work in the mines... I will find you. I promise!"
He nods and wipes his tears, I take a deep breath and lift his face.
I smile "Take care of Kuon's grave, make sure nobody forgets his name. Remember, Never forget Cyaren, be brave, be kind, and never be like them...."
He nods.
"Mu cré thí" I whisper.
The boy looks at me "What does that mean?" he asks.
"Have you forgotten how to speak you language already?" I ask with a smile.
He shakes his head "I just can't remember anyone saying something like that to me."
My jaw tightens and I try to fight the sadness of the reality that has been laid before me. "It means I love you." I say with a forced smile.
He repeats it slowly, carefully, like he is tasting the words and trying to find their meaning. Could it be that no one has ever said that to him before? He looks up at me.
"Mu cré thí" He says as he hugs me. "Goodbye."
I turn around and walk out of the dorm, I turn around one last time and wave to him, he excitedly waves back. His smile brighter and more innocent than when I first met him. My mind betrays hope and realizes that this school might destroy his spirit. I nod and turn around, leaving him behind, perhaps forever.