The archive of the forgotten

The better one ~ seeing

The wet towel feels too warm on my face as Thrjel cleans my wounds. My nose hurts as it keeps expelling blood but my body is too tired to wipe it. His movements are the only thing that bring me comfort, slow, assuring, strong. All things that I can hardly ever be without lying, not that I don't lie, but it is a fact that some things will never be true for me. I stare at the ground and try not to fall forward, lying down sounds even more glamourous right now...
Thrjel looks at me from the corner of his eyes while he tries to get the blood out of a soaked cloth, surprise, surprise, it doesn't come out. I can see the worry and thoughts running through his head.
"Do you want to ask me something Dimwit?" I ask, trying to be as quick witted as normal but my wit seems to start quick and then trip over its own feet... But he does chuckle, so maybe the fall was comical?
"I do, but I don't really know how." He says as he walks back to me and cleans the scrapes and cuts on my arm, he notices the purple lines of bruises the handcuffs left, I can feel him wondering and my humour is more speedy than my common sense, so before I know it I hear myself say:
"Kinky!"
He looks up and I can feel his urge to punch me in the face but I just smile like an idiot.
"Why are you joking while your body is.... Somewhat broken?"
I giggle and he shakes his head.
"I think they hit the intelligence out of you."
"OI! I can very well solve any meths problem!" I yell.
"I will assumed you do not mean the drugs do you?" He says. "I really hope you're joking Xad. I still need someone to help me with my homework."
I laugh "Yeah yeah, I am fine, π is 3,14159 26535 89793 and on and on like that."
"So.... Do you want to talk about it?" He asks while he sits down, cutting a bandage for the wound.
"Do you want to hear?" I ask and push his hands down. "You shouldn't dress my wounds, it'll only make me look weak, and have consequences."
"Are you sure?" he asks, his puppy eyes still beautiful as always.
"Always." I smile.
"Tell me what happened..."
I take a deep breath and shake the tears out of my eyes while I try to reason for reality that happened. "I will try my best." I say and he grabs my hand.
"I'm here, you are safe and protected. You will get through this.... Whatever happened."
I can't help but start crying. "I don't know if I was at fault too...."
"Could you have changed anything? And be very logical right now...." He asks.
I shake my head.
"Then you cannot be at fault Dear."

After we have talked for hours we decide that I should sleep in the normal dorm just to be safe tonight. Thrjel helps me get there because for some reason my ankle hurts and I cannot remember why or when that happened. Everything is a blur. When I enter the room I see Kuon waiting for me.
"Hey." He whispers.
"Hey" I respond with a smile.
"Do you want to tell me the truth?" He asks.
"When Cyaren isn't near. I cannot risk breaking his heart, or faith." I open the window and climb onto the small edge of the building. Kuon follows my lead and sits down beside me, I light my cigarette and sigh, releasing the foreboding smoke from my damaged and dry lungs. "I would really prefer to be alone Kuon."
He ignores me, yet another one who doesn't understand that sometimes loneliness is necessary. "Do you remember that insubordinate who was killed a year ago?" He asks, lighting his own cigarette. Sharing cigarettes is a luxury, most of us would kill you if you'd ask us to share one.
I nod.
"He was my best friend."
I nod again, unsure what to say. Why does he give me this information.
"You remind me of him. Every time I see you I wonder when you will die, just one step too far Xad. They will kill you, and I know you don't care about that, but you could do so much more if you stay alive."
"What are you saying? Keep my head down?" I ask, surprised by my own hateful tone.
He shakes his head. "Don't lose your instincts because of hatred."
I chuckle and shake my head. He stands up and finally leaves me to think about everything that happened today.

My eyes hurt and I can't recall if it's from violence or crying, my nose feels even more crooked than I bargained for and my brain is still scrambled by the bog water stuck in my body. The cough comes up as if summoned by the memory of drowning. I stare into the dark and wonder, what have I ever done to make them hate me? I smile, I have done things to make them hate me. I sabotaged trains, sabotaged weapon factories, was a pain in the ass in general. But why did I start being like that? Because no matter how good I was, they hated me regardless, if I had done everything they'd ask of me they would hate me too.....
Or is that what I tell myself to hide the truth? To shield myself from regretting not being a good boy. Is that what my stubbornness tells my guilt so I stay sane? I chuckle, if it is I shouldn't want to know. I let go of the cigarette, it falls down the high stories of the school only to fall on the stones and slowly lose its spark. Did I hope that the wind would carry it?
I loosen my collar, hoping that the bruises around my neck will loosen with them, but they don't they keep pushing on my throat as if I am still being attacked. Fight or flight they say, I don't know what I felt. I think I gave up, that's unlike me, I couldn't have given up.....
I frown, I can hardly remember everything that has happened today. I close my eyes, you're not losing yourself, you are just tired, go to bed I say to myself as I stand up and follow my own advice. Right now, even the hard beds feel like a heavenly bed fit for a king.