Traffic [Valduggery, Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction]

Traffic

Everything until stated takes place before SpX. 

Valkyrie Cain had saved the world.

It wasn't anything she liked to brag about. She didn't get up in the morning with the express purpose to remind everyone nearby that she had saved the world—numerous times.

"We've saved the world."

Skulduggery's head moved a centimeter in her direction. "I'm sorry?"

Valkyrie continued to gaze out of the car window, watching the man in the next car over pick his nose.

"Well, it's just that we've saved the world, Skulduggery. Everything."

The car inched forward, engine purring with impatience.

"I... fail to see your point," he admitted.

"We're in traffic."

"Yes."

A silence settled. The man next to them had struck gold, and Valkyrie turned away, shivering in disgust. She waited for Skulduggery to comment on the situation, watching his fingers tap against the steering wheel.

"Skulduggery?"

"Hm?"

"Traffic."

"Yes, you said that." His head inclined forward, like he was going to say something else, but he stopped himself.

"What?"

"What what?"

Someone honked, but the pure majesty of the Bentley dissuaded anyone from trying to merge. Valkyrie scowled as the man, knuckles deep in his nose, pulled back next to them.

"What?" she asked, boredom finally creeping its way into her voice.

"Well, it's just that those two statements have absolutely nothing to do with one another. And I'm unsure of what you're getting at." Another pause, but this time he continued. "I'm just not sure that the connection is going to make sense, and I don't want to see you struggle."

"Well, why are we sitting around in traffic?" Valkyrie looked back over the tops of the surrounding cars, the way they blended into one giant roof, continuing on into the distance. "Shouldn't we—I don't know, have something cooler?"

"There's nothing cooler than the Bentley," Skulduggery responded, and she could tell by the way he sat a little straighter he was offended.

"Yeah, but we're sitting in traffic, and there's nothing the Bentley can do about that. I should have brought my bike. My fast, speedy bike." Her head hit the window. "I would have been there already."

"You don't like our bonding time?"

"Our... Skulduggery, our bonding time is when we're punching bad guys in the face. It's getting lost in dungeons. It's not..." The man was staying even with them, and his face was eating his finger. "Traffic."

"It's the boring times that bring people together."

"I sort of want to punch you, actually. Can't you..." Valkyrie searched for something plausible. "Push cars out of the way? Or make a tunnel underground?"

Skulduggery looked at her. "That man next to you is picking his nose."

"I know. I bet China would have a way around this."

"She's just as human as you and—she gets caught in traffic just like everyone else." "No," Valkyrie grumbled, slumping down until her knees hit the dash. "She's one of those people who's there and looks at you and says, 'oh, didn't you hear about the traffic?'"

"You're not very attractive when you're whining," Skulduggery mumbled.

"I'm sorry?"

"Hm?"

"I'm not whining." She grinned. "And I'm always attractive."

"You are whining. You've been whining for the past... Oh, five minutes. Mainly about the traffic, and then you started grumbling about China, it was all very incoherent. And I wasn't paying attention."

"You didn't say I wasn't attractive."

"There you go again, grumbling. You should work on that."

Skulduggery straightened, and Valkyrie looked away and almost let out a shout of relief. The cars crawled forward at a slightly faster speed.

Then they stopped.

"Saved the world multiple times, Skulduggery!"

"We've also nearly destroyed it."

Ah, it made sense. "Do you think it's karma?"

"No."

"It is."

"Valkyrie, it's traffic. Everyone runs into traffic. World leaders run into traffic. Hitler probably ran into traffic."

"What is with you and Hitler comparisons?"

"I have literally made a Hitler comparison one other time."

"You can fly. How can you just sit here in traffic and—"

"I spy with my little eye: someone picking their nose."

Valkyrie looked over her shoulder—it was reflex—and made eye contact as the man removed his finger.

"Oh, my God."

He laughed.