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Stephanie in Wonderland

Inspired by this thing here by urbanstar96 on Tumblr. 

urbanstar96((.))tumblr((.))com/post/85849548594/welcome-to-wonderland-miss-cain-where-your

Stephanie cursed again, ripping her hair out of the thorns. She had never known a forest that was filled to the brim with so many thorn bushes, but her hair or her skin or her dress caught on every single one of them.

"Well, I'm glad you dressed up for the occasion."

Stephanie's head snapped up, and he raised her fists. "You're a skeleton."

The skeleton nodded. "You're poorly dressed."

Stephanie scowled. "I'm wearing a dress that's ripped to shreds marching around a jungle. You're a skeleton."

The skeleton's head tilted. "You're telling me that you haven't seen anything stranger in your time here? Nothing? I'm the strangest thing in this entire mad world, a skeleton?"

Stephanie's eyebrows furrowed. "There was the—the pig-baby."

The skeleton nodded. "That sounds dreadful."

"Alright, you're a skeleton with a table full of food."

The skeleton held up a tea cup, pinkie extended. "I'm practically bones."

Stephanie hesitated for just a moment, then trudged over. At least she had the sense to put on her boots. She sat down, glared at the skeleton, and shoved a biscuit in her mouth. And then another.

The skeleton continued to hold the tea cup. Stephanie raised an eyebrow.

"Can you even drink that?"

The cup was gently replaced. "No," the skeleton said softly.

Stephanie laughed at him, then poured herself her own tea and gulped it down. "I'm really happy I didn't grow a second head or something." She sat back, sated. "I don't know why you guys like to mess with the food here."

"I'm Skulduggery Pleasant, Miss Cain."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "My name is Stephanie."

"Not here it's not."

A silence fell. The sunlight slanted through the trees, and for a second, Stephanie almost felt peaceful. In the clearing—with the table just sort of there—the forest didn't seem so gloomy. She nibbled on another biscuit.

"The Queen is looking for you," Skulduggery said at last.

Stephanie nodded. "So I've been told like, a hundred times. Everyone here is really rude."

"That's why they made China the queen. Class. Poise. Everything you need in a leader."

Stephanie frowned. "The guy with weird hair said she was going to cut my head off."

Skulduggery poured himself another cup of tea, even though she was sure it had been full a second ago. "Yes, well, we all can't be perfect."

"I'm pretty sure beheadings are a big flaw."

Skulduggery shrugged. "What did you do?"

Stephanie threw her hands in the air. "Look, I just want to get home! Er, back to the wake."

"Oh. I'm sorry. Was the departed close?"

It was Stephanie's turn to shrug, but she had to look away. "He was my uncle."

"Was he a good uncle?"

"What constitutes a bad uncle?"

Skulduggery cleared his throat. "I knew a man once who turned his nephew into a pig. Granted, it must have been a very nice life, as far as pigs' lives go. But then the nephew overheard that his uncle was planning on selling him to the butcher's, so he escaped."

Stephanie didn't realize she had leaned forward to listen. She sat back. "And then what?"

"He went on to be a very successful accountant."

"As a pig?"

Skulduggery looked around, then lowered his voice. "That's pigist."

Stephanie started to look over her shoulder. "I literally just had a pig-baby..."

"Better be careful. The more people to talk to around here, the harder it is to leave."

A chill ran down Stephanie's arms. "Are you going to keep me here?"

"Why would I? I was perfectly content before you came blundering through the forest."

"But you were all alone."

Skulduggery nodded. "You're saying that as if it's a problem. I'm my best companion. I'm the only one who can appreciate my jokes."

"Ah."

Skulduggery refilled his cup. "Like that one."

"What?"

"That whole little bit there was a joke. Sort of like an extended metaphor, but with a joke."

Stephanie squinted at him. "So... what you're saying is that you're lonely?"

"Terribly," Skulduggery said brightly.

"Why don't you just leave?"

Skulduggery offered the teapot. "Well, simply because it's not that easy. I would, if I could. I've tried many, many times. I wasn't always alone. There was a little group, but each time we would leave, one of us wouldn't come back. I have a fantastic talent for inspiring death."

Stephanie blinked. "Why don't you just come with me? I already have a death warrant."

"But that would mean I'm getting involved. And I'm perfectly content here, telling myself jokes."

"Skulduggery, that's a little messed up."

"That's skeletonist."

Stephanie stood. "There's no point staying here. China is going to find me."

"You better hope she does."

"What?"

Skulduggery adjusted his hat. "There are worst things in Wonderland than China, Miss Cain."

"Like what?"

"As I said, the more you find out, the harder it is to leave. How did you end up here?"

Stephanie sighed. "There was a wake. I needed a breather. Followed a weird guy who looked out of place and fell down a hole."

"You... fell down a hole?"

"A really big hole."

"You didn't see it?"

Stephanie crossed her arms. "I was looking for the weird guy!"

Skulduggery held up a hand. "We can't all pay attention."

"You don't even have eyes!"

"And yet I dress better than you."

Stephanie turned and walked away. She plunged into another bramble, cursing. It took her a few minutes to hear the soft pad of feet behind her. She whirled around, fists raised, and then dropped them.

Skulduggery tipped his hat to her. "I apologize if I was rude. It has been a while since I've last spoken to someone."

Stephanie pointed to her dress. "One: I didn't pick this out."

Skulduggery nodded. "Fair enough."

"Two: People fall down holes."

"Alright."

Stephanie nodded. "I forgive you. Where are we going?"

Skulduggery pointed. "That way."

"What's that way?"

"I've been sitting at that table for decades. I honestly have no idea where anything is."

"Perfect."