Traffic [Valduggery, Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction]

Planes

Valkyrie looked at her ticket, then back up at the number above the seats. She was holding up the line—she could see it stretching out the plane door—but she couldn't help it. She turned to glare at Skulduggery.

"Did you not get us the same seats?"

Skulduggery leaned over her shoulder, looking at the ticket. "No."

"What do you mean you didn't get us the same seats?" she hissed, shooting a smile to the woman waiting behind them. "Why wouldn't you?"

"I guess I clicked on the wrong box. You know, on my phone. So it didn't give us seats that were open next to one another."

"You didn't see that when you looked at the tickets?"

Skulduggery, who was waiting to use his façade, looked at her. His sunglasses hit her forehead. "Valkyrie, when was the last time you checked the seating arrangements on your airplane tickets?"

"It doesn't matter if I do. You're you."

The woman let out an irritated sigh, and Valkyrie could see the stewardess stand on the tips of her toes, seeing what the commotion was. Valkyrie waved her hand in a vague apology, shoving her suitcase into the compartment ahead and squishing her way into the window seat.

Skulduggery hesitated, then sat down next to her. She stared.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sitting down."

The line continued to move, and Valkyrie peaked over the seats. "You can't just sit down. You can't just steal someone's seat."

Skulduggery looked down at his lap, and then back at Valkyrie. "I can do just about anything, Valkyrie. That's what makes me—"

"Excuse me."

They both looked up to a very angry, very sweaty man.

"That's my seat. You're sitting in it."

Skulduggery nodded. "I am."

"I... That's my seat," the man said, and a bead of sweat fell from his mustache onto Skulduggery's sleeve.

Valkyrie recoiled.

"It is, and I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid I need to sit here."

The man looked at him, eyes narrowing. "Why?" He stretched the word out, squinting.

Valkyrie leaned over Skulduggery. "He's contagious."

"What?" the man asked, taking a step back and onto someone's toes.

"Flesh eating disease," Valkyrie explained, shaking her head sadly.

Skulduggery looked at her, looked at the man, then stared straight ahead.

"What is he doing on a plane?! Good God, he's gonna' make everyone sick. How contagious is he?" They were getting nervous looks now from the surrounding people. "What type of flesh eating disease? Does he have a face?"

Valkyrie looked around, biding her time. "It's—it's leprosy." Skulduggery's head sank down. "Nothing serious, but I'm his nurse. We would just appreciate—"

"How is leprosy not serious?!"

"Well, he's taken anti-biotics, so he's not contagious per se, but it probably isn't the best idea to sit next to him. He was sitting in, uh, B23, so you can just... move there..."

The man looked ready to explode. "I can't believe—"

Skulduggery gave a cough, and the man nearly fell over himself in an attempt to get away. Other people hurried by, giving the two of them dirty looks as they covered their mouths. Valkyrie grinned and looked at Skulduggery.

"Are you laughing?"

Skulduggery's shoulders shook, and his head was still down.

"It wasn't that funny," Valkyrie tried, but she could feel the beginnings of a laugh build in her chest. "Quit it," she whispered.

"Leprosy." And Skulduggery barked a laugh, but quickly turned it into a coughing fit.

A woman nearly fell into the people sitting down, letting out a shriek of panic. Valkyrie had to look out the window, hand covering her mouth as she fought back the giggles. It hadn't even been that funny.

As more people crowded onto the plane, Valkyrie could feel her happiness start to fade. The air in the plane felt filtered and fake, like she was breathing a thousand other people's breaths. Someone was kicking her seat. She closed her eyes.

"Do you have the mushroom bomb?" she asked softly.

"It's not a mushroom bomb."

"That's what you called it."

"No, that's what you called it."

Valkyrie peaked at him. "You said it would explode if we even teleported. And you said it would spew seeds that would infect everyone in the vicinity. Seeds that grow mushrooms in your stomach. Sounds like a bomb."

"I don't think we should call it a bomb on an airplane," Skulduggery muttered.

"Where did you put it, anyways? I haven't seen it since this morning."

Skulduggery placed a box on the armrest in between them.

Valkyrie stared. "Are you kidding me?"

"It's perfectly safe."

"If we teleported, you said!"

"Valkyrie, we're on a plane," Skulduggery explained, like that would solve the whole issue of the mushroom bomb.

The plane started its lumbering journey onto the runway. They didn't speak until they were safely in the air. This had to do more with the fact that Valkyrie was petrified every jostle of the box would cause spores to leak into the air and into her stomach.

When they were in the air for fifteen minutes, Valkyrie relaxed.

"I'm bored."

Skulduggery looked at her. "Please don't start."

"Start what?"

"This."

"Oh, wait," Valkyrie said. She dug around in her pockets until she pulled out her notepad and pen. She drew five horizontal lines in a row and then looked at Skulduggery, grinning.

"No."

"Oh, come on, what else are you going to be doing?"

He sighed. "A."

It was a mistake. Valkyrie was losing at Hang Man. She was losing hard.

"Um..." She only had one leg left. Skulduggery wiggled the pen, tapping it against the pull-out tray. "Uh..." She had guessed all of the vowels. Skulduggery had picked a word with no vowels. "C?"

"No. The word was: syzygy."

Valkyrie glared. "Of course it was."