Traffic [Valduggery, Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction]

God

There was a man leaning over Valkyrie's bed.

She didn't even think as her fist leapt up against the man's face.

She scrambled upright in bed, wrapping the sheets around her tightly. Valkyrie didn't believe in pajamas, but it also meant if some creep woke her up, she was naked.

The man had fallen onto the ground and was covering his face with his hands. He seemed to be trying not to cry.

"Um," Valkyrie said.

"You punched me," the creep moaned.

"You're in our house."

Valkyrie stood and edged her way around the man. She kept her eye on him as she pulled on clothing.

He didn't look like an assassin. He was much too fat for that. And he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He even had glasses.

Not that assassins couldn't have glasses, but Valkyrie guessed only really bad assassins had glasses. Assassins probably got laser eye surgery.

The creep pulled his hands away from his face. Blood trickled out of his nose. He looked at Valkyrie, in a t-shirt and shorts, blanket around her shoulders.

"Wow," he breathed.

Valkyrie walked over and put her foot on his face. She mashed his cheek into the ground.

"Who are you?"

The man flailed, slightly. "Gohd."

"What?"

"I'm God."

Valkyrie did not remove her foot. "Excuse me?"

The man looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "I'm God." He tried to smile, but the blood from his nose dripped onto his teeth.

A delusional man, then.

"How did you wander in here?" Valkyrie asked.

The man's eyebrows furrowed. "I poofed here. I'm God."

Well, that line of questioning wasn't getting anywhere.

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie called. "There's a delusional man in our house!"

The man wiggled on the ground. He reminded Valkyrie of an excited worm, or something. Could worms be excited?

Skulduggery opened Valkyrie's door. "Good morning to you, as well."

"Can worms be excited?" Valkyrie asked.

Skulduggery looked at the man on the floor. "I feel as though you should be concerned with the man on the floor. But far be it from me to rank the random circumstances and questions in your life on a scale of importance, so I supposed I'll answer your question: Worms are too stupid to feel excitement."

Valkyrie frowned. "That's rude."

"To worms?"

The man on the ground raised a feeble hand. "Excuse me?"

Valkyrie smushed her toes into his face. "Shush, creepy intruders don't get to talk until spoken to." Valkyrie looked back at Skulduggery. "Maybe worms think you're too stupid to be excited. Ever think about that?"

The man wiggled. "I didn't see you naked, if that's what you're—"

Valkyrie stepped harder on the man's face. "Shut up."

Skulduggery knelt down to the creepy man's level. "Hello there, delusional man," he said, not unkindly. "How did you manage to get by the alarms?"

"I poofed here!"