Traffic [Valduggery, Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction]

Velocity

Collab time!

Drapine and I have combined our various talents to bring you this little fic! ^^

They wrote the first half, while I did the second. :)

Go check them out on Tumblr (at marthaemma96), on Fanfiction (at Drapine96), or on Wattpad (at Drapine)!

"No."

"But—"

"Definitely not."

Valkyrie stopped pacing through Skulduggery's living room. She turned to him, hands on her hips. "You haven't even let me finish explaining."

"I don't have to." Skulduggery shrugged. "I already know it's an awful idea."

"It's actually quite good. We just have to—"

"No."

She frowned at him. "Why am I even asking you? You're actually the worst person I know at planning."

He straightened himself. "My plans are brilliant."

"They mostly consist of, 'We go inside and start beating people to a pulp.'"

Skulduggery hesitated, then nodded. "They are simple yet brilliant."

"Well, present me one of your divine plans, then. By all means, offer an alternative."

When he didn't answer immediately, Valkyrie nodded and started walking towards the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, following her.

"Okay," she answered, reaching the door. She left the house and strode towards the Oompa Loompa.

"Wait a second," Skulduggery called after her.

"Okay."

Valkyrie stopped, waited a second, and then proceeded towards her car. She hopped in and started the engine. Skulduggery appeared at her window and knocked, so she cranked it down and smiled pleasantly at him.

"You can't go on your own," he said.

"Okay."

Valkyrie put the car into gear and started rolling down the driveway. Skulduggery walked alongside the car.

"Valkyrie, you're not even buckled. Valkyrie. Valkyrie, stop the car."

As she was driving away, Valkyrie watched triumphantly in the rearview mirror as Skulduggery's jaw moved, most definitely in a curse. He headed towards the Bentley to follow—

...

"Oh my God."

"You keep saying that."

Valkyrie was on her knees, eyes wandering over her car. Her poor, poor car. Skulduggery stood next to her, hands in his pockets, nodding along to himself. The Bentley was parked nearby. Valkyrie wanted to throw a stone at it.

"Oh my God."

"And here I was thinking I saved your IQ. You really should wear your seatbelt. You're lucky I was looking up when you decided to hit that tree, or your brain would be all over your windshield, and I'd have to spoon-feed you."

Valkyrie reached out and touched her car's door.

"It was actually a tricky bit of magic. You see, I couldn't just create a solid wall of air to stop you from flying out the windshield; it would be no different than you running at a wall at seventy kilometers per hour."

Valkyrie's gaze fell on the Oompa Loompa's hood, and she whimpered.

"What I had to do, you see, was to slow down your velocity forward so you didn't smash your steering wheel too hard. The anatomy of a car crash is very interesting. You and your car want to keep going at the same speed you were at, while that tree very much wanted to stop you. While the car body is designed to transfer the shock of a sudden stop, human bodies aren't quite so durable."

Valkyrie dragged her eyes away from her car to look incredulously at Skulduggery. "You call this," she gestured toward what used to be the front part of her car, "durable?"

Skulduggery nodded. "It might be hard to believe, but had you been wearing your seatbelt, the mess you made of your car would have saved your life. Of course, I was awarded that honor. But the shock would have—"

"You should have saved the car."

"I'm sorry?"

"You should have saved the car." Valkyrie managed to get to her feet. "You should have pushed the tree out of the way."

"So you could smash into the one behind it?"

"Or, I don't know, pushed my car back onto the road. Oh my God." Standing had revealed a whole new vantage point of destruction.

"I didn't think you were going to crash. Had you given me a little more warning, perhaps I could have saved you and the car. As it was, you don't need spoon-feeding, and half your car is a mess."

A new, terrifying thought had dawned on Valkyrie. "My insurance."

"Oh, yes. We should probably give them a call."

"No, Skulduggery, my insurance is going to skyrocket." Valkyrie ran a hand soothingly over the Oompa Loompa's roof. "This is a hundred percent my fault. They're going to butcher me. I wasn't even wearing my seatbelt."

"That was stupid of you."

"My poor car."

"The poor tree. How would you like some hoodlum smashing their car into you?"

"Skulduggery, I'm grieving. I'll have to get it towed to a shop, and then I'll have to pay someone." Valkyrie's head rested against the roof of the car. "Someone's going to have their greasy hands all over you."

Skulduggery rested a hand on her shoulder. "Not to be insensitive, but we really have better things to be doing. Solving mysteries, saving the world, literally just about anything else."

Valkyrie didn't answer.

"Not to gloat, but this is a prime example of one of your awful ideas."

"You're not my friend anymore."

Skulduggery sighed. "I'll pay for it."

Valkyrie turned around, leaned against the car, grinned. "Thanks, I knew you would."

"You're a terrible human. Can we go now? Do some actual work?"