Traffic [Valduggery, Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction]

Stakeout

Each stakeout proved to be the most boring stakeout in existence. They always superseded the previous stakeout in terms of pure drudgery. Each stakeout make Valkyrie want to cry more tears of boredom than the last.

At least it was pretty.

Valkyrie lay on her back, watching the clouds roll by. If they weren't waiting for the cult to appear, it would have almost been peaceful. Boring, so, so boring, but peaceful. But they were waiting for a cult to try and sacrifice their husbands.

Skulduggery, for his part, was having a marvelous time with the binoculars. They rested on the grassy hill, breeze playing with their clothes. The day had slipped by and now the sky was descending into pink.

"I'm bored."

Skulduggery's head dipped slightly. He was resting on his stomach. He put the binoculars down and looked at her.

"Please stop saying that."

"I'm literally dying of boredom."

"Please stop abusing the word 'literally.' It makes me sad."

Valkyrie turned her head to look at him. "We should do something."

"We're already doing something." Skulduggery pointed at the binoculars. "Look, we're on stakeout."

"Oh, come on! You know the cult people aren't even going to be out until, like, dusk at the earliest. We still have like an hour to spare and I'm going to eat my tongue or something if we don't find something to talk about or do."

Skulduggery shook his head, picking back up the binoculars. "I'll eat your tongue if you don't shut up," he muttered.

Valkyrie looked at him. "What?"

"What?"

"You said you'd eat my tongue."

Skulduggery was very still, and Valkyrie had the feeling he wasn't looking through his binoculars anymore.

"I did." Skulduggery placed down the binoculars. "Of course, I meant it in the figurative way. I don't actually plan on cutting out your tongue and eating it. First off, I can't. Secondly, while you're very annoying, I actually—"

"Oh my God, why are you backpedaling?"

"That is the wrong use of that word."

"Why are you trying to coffeehouse me?"

Skulduggery looked at her, slowly. There was nothing but the sound of the distant highway and the chanting of the cult, still cooped up within their compound. Valkyrie licked her lips, and Skulduggery tilted his head.

Embarrassment threatened to color Valkyrie's cheeks, so she said, "What did you mean by that? Almost sounds a little dirty." She grinned at him.

Skulduggery hesitated. "It does."

"You hesitated."

"You're imagining things. We're supposed to be on stakeout. You're just trying to distract me. And yourself."

Valkyrie edged closer. "Maybe I am." She shrugged. "We're not doing anything, are we?"

There was a tapping, and Valkyrie realized Skulduggery was beating a rhythm into the binoculars.

"No. No, we're not. Just making sure a cult doesn't kill another batch of helpless men, the usual."

"Why are they helpless?"

Skulduggery let out a humorless chuckle.

"Kiss me."

The tapping stopped.

"That's what you were saying earlier. Do it."

Skulduggery looked at her, looked back at the compound, back at her. He gave a little shrug. "Of course, dear."

"No façade."

A pause. "Of course."

Skulduggery reached over, placed his forearm on the other side of Valkyrie's head. He was over her, looking down, observing her. Then, his teeth were against her lips.

It was cold. Valkyrie moved her lips slightly, and Skulduggery obediently opened his mouth. Valkyrie slipped her tongue in between his teeth, and he pressed down gently as she slowly removed her tongue.

And then she laughed.

His head jerked back slightly, and then he gave a quick laugh too.

"Sorry," Valkyrie apologized, grinning. "I wasn't sure what I was expecting. Not like that. Just—it was new. And interesting."

Skulduggery gave a nod. "I'm very interesting. You should see what I can do with a tongue."

Valkyrie made a face, then laughed again. "Oh, wow, okay. Kiss me again before you say something you really can't recover from."

Stakeouts were much more interesting after that.