Afraid To Lose

1. All I Have

Hallie POV

Once again I find myself shooting bolt upright in bed my body covered in a film of cold sweat and my chest heaving with every breath.

No matter what I do or what I try nothing seems to stop the visions that haunt my dreams. Or quiet the screams that still ring in my ears.

As I get my bearings an arm snakes around me and pulls me back down and agaisnt a warm body "I'm here" he whispers as he presses his lips against the bare skin of my shoulder "try and go back to sleep"

What would I do without him? I'd be completely lost that much I'm sure of. As I rest my head back agaisnt the pillow I find myself wondering, when was the last time he stayed at his house?

Ever since it happened and he had found me mid nightmare he had insisted and staying with me, right beside me. I was eternally grateful for his presence, he is all I have and I'm terrified of losing him too.

At the same time I worry that I am getting in the way of his life. How can he make a future with some one if he never leaves me when he's home?

Mindless I let my fingertips trail over his tattoo lost in all my thoughts a smile a little as I see the hairs on his arm stand on end at my touch and his arm tightens around me.

"You need to sleep babygirl" he says softly

"Beauty sleep or normal sleep?" I ask with a small smile

"There is only one of us in this bed that needs beauty sleep and it ain't you" he says "not that is works I always end up looking like hell"

"Have you been looking in fun house mirrors again Joe?" I ask and he chuckles "you always look good, I mean I would ask how you are still single bit I know that's my fault"

"Hey I don't want to hear none of that" he says "I'm single because I choose to be. I prefer to be available for those that need me"

"If it hadn't happened........if I'd been able to save them........you wouldn't have to do all this" I say as tears fall down my cheeks

"You can't live on ifs babygirl" he says sitting up fully and pulling me onto his lap "the fire wasn't your fault, there was nothing you could do, it was too strong for you to get in there. Do not blame yourself for any of it. I do what I do because I care about you and I want to be here for you"

"I miss them" I sob as I nuzzle into his chest "my mom, my dad, my brother all of them. If it wasn't for you I'd be alone"

"I know you do but they are with you everyday right by your side" he soothes "They know your being taken care of, they always knew I took good care of you"

"My mom loved you" I smile "she used to tell her friends you'd be her son in law one day"

"I'm flattered" he chuckles "your mom was right about so much, she had to be wrong about something right"

"Yeah I guess" I say looking up at him and I find myself laughing

"What's so funny?" He asks with a smile

"Your hair looks like a wild lions mane" I laugh "its all over the place"

"Oh you're making funny of me now" he smiles as he starts to tickle me "take it back"

"I never take back the truth" I laugh and  then I'm over come by a large yawn

"Alright babygirl time to go back to sleep" he says placing back down on the bed and pulling the covers over me

Instead of staying where he put me I find myself turning over and snuggling into him resting my head on his chest. For a moment he does nothing and I wonder if I've made a wrong move.

Then he kisses my hair and wraps and arm around me and I know everything is fine.

"Thank you Joe" I sigh "I appreciate all you do and I'm glad your here"

"Anytime babygirl" he whispers "I will always do anything for you"

When I look up his eyes are closed and his breathing is gentle. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have this man in my life but I've never been more grateful for some one.

Laying my head back down I feel my eyes get heavy and I start to drift off buy all too soon those screams return, the sound of my mother begging for help as I stood helpless on the front lawn knowing I couldn't get to her.

I can feel the heat of the flames and the sounds and the smells and once again I'm bolt up right and sweating only this time I haven't woken Joe.

Admiring defeat and leaving him to sleep I head to the bathroom, take a shower and get ready to start my day horribly early just like every day.

When will these nightmares end? How long to have to keep on living with this guilt? And how long before the one person I have left has some one else who needs him more than me.