Afraid To Lose

9. Can I Do This?

Hallie POV

Tonight Joe was filing smackdown and I was excited to see what he was going to do tonight. By now I had been on the road with him for a month and half and I didn't miss home one bit.

Wwe have an in house therapist that I could talk to as and when I felt I needed to which seemed to be working better for me then regular sessions.

As promised Joe and I were taking this slowly, we still weren't using labels and we had not yet been intimate. I found the more I was with him like this the happier I felt and the lighter the weight on my shoulders got.

Today was also tinged with sadness as it would have been my brothers 25th birthday, we were five years apart me being the older one but were so close we were almost inseparable.

My thoughts go to Celia wondering how she will be coping today. It come with a small amount of guilt that I am starting to be happier while I know she is still struggling and blaming me.

"Ah there she is, how are you doing today?" Colby asks as he enters the locker room and gives me a hug

"I'm doing ok" I say hugging back

"You don't need to lie I know what today is" he says softy "there is no shame in finding it hard or being sad"

"I know and it is hard and I am sad but not like I used to be" I say "somehow this year its a little easier"

"Would that have something to do with a certain 6ft 3 samoan man" he chuckles

"Maybe" I blush "he does make me happy"

"You love him don't you" he smiles moving back from me as Joe walks in the room. I look at him and he flashes me that beautiful smile and I find myself smiling back at him.

"Yes I do" I say quietly before rushing over to Joe.

He opens his arms and scoops me up and I literally wrap myself around him hold him as tightly as possible.

"Hey babygirl, not that I'm complaining but what brought this on" he chuckles

A chuckling colby leaves the room leaving us alone and I suddenly feel a desire I haven't felt in a long time something I wasn't sure I would ever feel.

Without saying a word a crash my lips on to his instantly deepening the kiss and taking him by suprise. It takes not a second for him to kiss me back and I feel him start to walk.

The next thing I feel is the cool metal of a locker agaisnt my back and the indication of Joe's desire pressing against my core.

"Babygirl as badly as I want you I don't want it to happen like this" he says kissing my neck "I want our first time to be special, something you will always remember"

"I know...I know" I breathe "I want that too but I just couldn't help myself" I smile pulling back from him "I was talking to Colby and I realised something and.................I want you to say it Joe"

"Are you sure?" He asks his eyes searching mine and I nod and he smiles "I love you babygirl.......I love you so much" he says resting his head against mine

"I love you too Joe" I reply softly

"You do?" He asks with a huge smile

"I do" I smile back

"Woah there babygirl that is an whole other answer for a whole other question" he says making me laugh

"Oh stop" I laugh playfully swatting him  "I am in no way there yet, but I do love you and I'm sorry I made you wait so long"

Softly he kisses me and it's a kiss filled with all the love he feels for me, I kiss him back with just as much love and I feel a little more weight lift off my shoulders.

"So this is how you celebrate Danny's birthday?" A familiar voice shouts, Joe and I break apart and he lowers me back to the gound

"Celia?" I gasp "what are you......"

"What am I doing here?" She says "I thought maybe we could sit down, maybe start mending bridges. I know Danny would want that but this is what I find........you behaving like a two bit slot with this muscle head like your brother doesn't matter"

"He does matter" I say "but I'm allowed to be happy Celia I need to allow myself  that"

"Why do you get to be happy Hallie?" She snaps "you destroyed my life, you took away the man I love and left me with nothing. Why should you be happy while I'm still suffering"

"It wasn't her fault and you know it" Joe snaps "I understand you need some one to blame but Hallie isn't the one, she did  nothing wrong"

"She can never do wrong in your eyes can she Joe" she snarls "you've always been some nauseating love sick puppy when it comes to her, but you know what I'm going to prove to you she's not innocent and when I do I will see her rot in a cell for the rest of her life"

As she storms out of the locker room I fall to my knees the sobs taking over my body. She was right I have no right to be happy.

"I've got you babygirl it's alright" he says wrapping me up in his arms

"She's right Joe" I sob "I'm sorry but I don't know if I can do this, I shouldn't be happy I don't deserve to be"

"You listen to me, it wasn't your fault" he soothes "your been doing so much better don't let her ruin that. She's needs some one to blame because it makes it easier but that does mean she's right. I'm begging you babygirl don't pull away from me because just like you are afraid to lose me I'm afraid to lose you.........I love you"