Dear diary, (I wrote this a while ago)
What troubled me a few weeks ago is remembering when he'd yell at me, especially in public. a man shouldn't raise his voice at a woman. In public. It was unacceptable.
I'll never forget two instances when he yelled at me and two women turned around and stared. I felt humiliated, and incredibly disrespected.
I had never been yelled at in public. ever. I don't care how frustrated you are, use your words and speak, there is no need to yell. it's about respect and self dignity and I guess some people lack the responsibility to hold accountability.
I don't think he'll ever realise the extent of his actions and words. Someone who cares about you doesn't do that. It was a big reflection of him. It's sad cos I miss how he used to b
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I wrote that a while back but decided to put it on now. it's how I felt/feel.
I feel like over the last few months, I've worked to become the best version of myself right now alhamdulilah. I just feel "vibrant"? Like I'm smiling a lot and people have been mentioning it.
I wrote in another entry how calm and happy I feel, how hyper and playful I am lol and I genuinely feel "warm" and soft hearted.
I'm just not taking disrespect again.
I'm balancing work, uni and my life. Work has been really good alhamdulilah and get on with everyone, porters, security, nurses (they kiss my head when I hug them lol) and house and kitchen staff. Alhamdulilah. I was smiling so much the other day when working lol, I jus felt good
Being anemic and fasting is not for the weak. I've been advised to go back on my iron tablets, 3x a day. Before / after a meal. Which means I won't be able to fast. But I'm not gonna do that just yet, I'll see how bad I get.
Ive been close to fainting a few times, eyes go black, nose bleeds and so light headed. I eat a lot of fruit and veg so I'm not sure why.
I'm not expecting an apology cos I know I won't get one.
I hope I can view him as a gentle, respectable, caring man / loving boyfriend again. Cos I remember that side to him but the dickhead behaviour was inexcusable. I also despise arrogance
I think he might sort my car heating out, it's really starting to annoy me this heating thing and I swear it's giving a burning smell and it's scaring me😟
think he said he'd help fix it one day.
would be nice to just be playful and kind vibes. I really sincerely hope, if he does decide to fix my car, that it'll just be a nice calm time and just us being like how we used to be cos I cba for anything else other than me being happy. I don't deserve anything less than happiness. Dont get me wrong, I don't forget that easily, but I also don't want to let it ruin my mood which is why I'm happier cos I know I didn't deserve any of it.
The respect will hopefully return in time. Depending on.
Side note
I've not used my vibrator in a while and used it the other day cos I'm close to my period so I'm feeling more spicy and honestly, it was good lol, it was a lot of pent up stress from uni I guess as well so it was good to just release.
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I wrote this a while ago.
I said what was on my mind.
I wrote two diaries ago that things will get better and they seem better, hopefully it's consistent and stays.
Like I said before, just taking each day as it comes and focussing on being happy:) and surrounding myself with people who care and make effort for me.
Ive been exercising when i can but difficult in Ramadan.
I also cancelled Amazon prime to save money and I don't use it lol. I need a new privacy screen protector I've cracked mine in three diff places and a new purple silicone phone case lol.
Think I'll start taking my iron tablets .
Oh my gym has now gone 24/7 which is good 😎
I'm feeling really good today 😌😛 I'm writing this next to my niece 💛
That's it.
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