Dear diary, (you're gonna see a side to me I rarely show but wallah I cba)
I am so unbelievably tired I am not even sure why I am awake. Barely slept last night. I was ready to sleep when A was sorting my car out, I even sat in my car and rested my eyes a bit.
I am really, really upset. I don't know how I managed to keep it together the entire day. Think I put on a brave face the entire day. There's no coming back from that exam. I've never felt like I've 100% failed. I hate that word, "fail". But I have. I feel like a failure. Wallah. I have a pit in my stomach. I know education and exams don't define a person. But it means a lot to me. Sometimes it feels like it makes up a lot of who I am and I hate that cos there's so much more to me than exams. There's more to everyone than their degree or job. But I feel like people have such high expectations of me, even I have high expectations for myself, and I like setting myself a high standard but I really failed, and I've let them all down and myself down. I can't describe how I feel. I think my friends could tell I was lowkey upset today.
There's no point trying to give myself hope. I already know I have to resit. I still wanted to go out with my friends, and I had a really nice time. I laughed a lot. Had the windows down and music up with them, they deserve to be happy, they're good girls. Had girl talk. Juicyyy girl talk lol. It was really nice vibes. But also I was ready to sleep at the end though, even on the drive home I genuinely just wanted to pull over and sleep. But deep down I was just really upset. I hate failing. Who likes to fail anyways? But it really gets to me. And I think if other people also find out, they think you're not smart enough or anything and I feel the external pressure as well as the pressure i already put on myself. I think I hide it well. Don't think people know how upset I actually am.
I just keep telling myself it isn't the end of the world. But what if it is? What if I fail the resit too? At least I have the option to resit I guess.
I feel quite betrayed with a certain someone. I didn't even wanna hang with her after the exam. There's a lot to it. A lot. Even during the exam. She actually had to apologise a few times for the way she spoke to me, but I also understand she was stressed out.
It wasn't fair. It really wasn't. When it comes to education, I have noticed how she is. I helped her last year. I also gave her , her entire exam material a few months ago.
Betrayed is an understatement. I even told her at the end, I shouldn't have done it first. My own parents, sisters and close friends told me the same. Bc I also did it first last year.
I am not blaming her for my failure. But I am annoyed at her, and I have every right to be. She no longer knows much about my life , I have reduced the access she once had. She knew a fair bit of the answers for her exam cos I had done it first.
Anyways. There's a lot more I could write about regarding that. But I just don't even wanna think about today's exam. I wanna forget it even happened. I don't really have hope and feel kinda defeated with it. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I wish I could make myself feel better. I mean I did cos I was with my friends and stuff but you know what I mean. And even if I do feel better, when I get my results I'll feel the exact same as I do right now. Urgh.
I just need to remember Steve jobs is a college drop out and so is bill gates lol...
Other things to talk about.
Oh the Karak chai was nice today. I finally had Morrison donuts after so long and they tasted so fresh but my fave are the custard ones and they only had strawberry. 🍩
I had my first meal of the day at almost 8pm lol.
A fixed my headlight. Kinda. It's still moveable. I'd like it like fixed in place if you get me . Always appreciate his help though.
You know what, I am not in a writing mood. Gonna chill out and sleep
