All The Things I wish I'd Said

February 15th

"Hints" you said.

The two of us were sitting in the playground- hiding away from our classmates during PE in the shade of the tunnel slide nobody uses because it's "too short" whatever "cool ass" made that rule obviously doesn't know what they're missing out on.

"Hints to what?" I look up from the rose tattoo you're drawing on my thigh in marker to meet your eyes.

"For your crush" you say.

"When will you key that go?" I whine, poking out my bottom lip like you did that day when I didn't give you an answer.

"Wait- I have a proposal" you say quickly.

"You're gonna propose to me?" I joke, "how sweet".

"In your dreams" you snort- like actually snort and it's adorable.

I knew I should've have said it as soon as it left my mouth but your reaction? It hurt.

"I'll give you hints on who I like".

I didn't know you liked anybody. But once I do I want to know desperately who the person I'm silently competing for your attention with is.

Probably Samual Peters or Aaron Turner- cute athletes like them- also seniors, like girls like you.

Undeniably pretty girls with pretty smiles who are good at art and have an amazing music taste which is undoubtedly gay but...

I don't get gay from you. Or if I do I feel as though I'm imagining it.

The point is you're better than me.

Why we're friends...? My mom I guess- otherwise you'd be hanging out with Brook W and her friends and you belong there to be honest.

You deserve better than me.

"Brooke-" I begin but you blurt out.

"They're in our grade"

I blinked. That was the most dangerous game I've ever played.

"Mine has brown hair" there's a lot of kid with brown hair in our grade- myself included, so I'm not as screwed as I would be if I said "blue eyes" or "dimples".

Before you can question anything else I lied about having to pee. That was better than nothing.

I hate lying to you- but that's just the thing- sitting there so close to you with our legs fitted across each other's sides like puzzle pieces, I would've totally told you who I liked.

But I truly don't want to ruin this friendship with my stupid lesbian feelings.

- Winnie

...
March 2nd

NEVER call your feelings stupid- I love your feelings you stupid lesbian idiot.

God I really want to hug you right now.

I want to give your journal back and kiss you.

How would that even work?

I think you'd be mad at me.
I would too, to be honest.

- Brooke

Ps. My crush was and still is you
Extra Ps. You looked un unnaturally cute that day
One last ps and then I'm done. I love your perfume (please let me take your jacket so I can smell it forever).