Edward

A Note of Finality

When we arrived at the hospital, Dad was in the Intensive Care Unit. He was on a ventilator. He had multiple IV's. A dialysis machine was removing the alcohol from his blood. Amanda walked up beside him. She took his hand, and bent down.

She spoke softly into his ear, "Daddy, I forgive you."

She walked out, took Josh's hand, and they stepped aside.

Bret and Reuben joined us. They had mom with them. She was in shock. Reuben walked over to me.

"Talmage, how are you holding up?"

"Right now I'm just numb. Tabby take the kids home?"

"She and her dad took them out to my parents' place. Elise and her kids are there. My folks will be exhausted before today is over."

A doctor joined us.

"Good news, there is brain activity. He's still fighting. Bad news, he's not breathing on his own. We're pumping oxygen and fluids into him. That's all we can do from out here. Whether he lives or dies is up to him."

Amanda asked, "What are his chances?"

"Fifty-fifty."

Bret asked, "If he does live, what can we expect?"

The doctor looked around at us, and pulled Bret aside. They had a whispered conversation, after which the doctor promptly left.

Mom asked, "What did the doctor tell you?"

Bret pulled dad's day planner out of his jacket inside pocket.

"We need to get out of the hall."

We walked into dad's room. Josh and Amanda sat on the window seat. Mom sat in the recliner. I sat in a chair Bret had pulled in from the nurses' station. Reuben stood beside me, with his hand on my shoulder.

Bret opened the book.

"When Reuben and I were going through the house, after you two left, I found this. It was the only thing on his desk. It's as though he placed it there in hopes it would be found, and opened. I thumbed through it on the drive to Samantha's. It's just a typical business day planner, containing what one would expect to find. Until I turned to Friday. Day before yesterday. There were no appointments. No meetings listed. Just this."

He turned the book around, so we could read it. He was careful to only show us that page.

'O UISQUE'

Mom said, "That's his favorite brand of whiskey."

Bret asked, "Josh?"

"That's what the label said on the empty bottle."

"That brings me to the following pages."

Bret's face suddenly flushed with emotion. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at Josh and Amanda. As he began reading, it sounded like it was all he could do to maintain his composure.

"Samantha, I lied to myself. I told myself I didn't care about you, that we were just means to an end for each other. That our marriage was merely for our status. I convinced myself that our starting a family was only for our status.

"I now realize that my heart was comprised of three pieces. You were actually half of it. The big middle section. Divorcing you smashed that middle section to bits. Our kids were the lobes on the left, and the right. When we kicked Amanda out, her lobe broke off, and crumbled. I should have listened to you when you said we should have found her, and set things right.

"Edward, a man cannot live with a heart that only has one lobe, and no center. My bad choices only ruined your life. I'm sorry. I took a hammer to that remaining lobe, and smashed it into a fine powder. I should have been holding on to it tightly. Cherishing it. Protecting it.

"My son, I love you. I'm very proud of you for everything you've accomplished in the past few months. You've quit drinking, stayed out of trouble, and started the process of reconnecting with your family. I want you to sell the house, my car, and anything of value. I want you to split the proceeds with your sister.

"Amanda – my beautiful daughter. It baffles me how I could be so proud of you, and yet so unable to tell you. You are also my biggest mistakes, and my deepest regrets. Chief among them is my failure to listen to you when you reached out to your mom and me. All along I thought I was loving you by giving you whatever you wanted, and by allowing you unlimited freedom. I now understand that, instead of material possessions, what you really needed was a relationship.

"The hottest circle in Hell is for those of us who only love ourselves. My place in that circle is reserved, and by the time you read this, I will undoubtedly be there."

Amanda was sitting on Josh's lap, sobbing on his shoulder. Mom was holding dad's hand, caressing his forehead. When I stood up, Reuben wrapped his arms around me.

"Easy there, Talmage. You okay?"

"Suicide, Reuben. He wanted to die. He was drinking himself to death on purpose." I was shaking. I couldn't stop.

When we left the hospital Sunday evening, I went to my mom's. When Reuben dropped us off, he pulled a pair of trash bags, and a pair of suitcases out of my car.

"Bret and I thought you'd appreciate some clothes and supplies. Your room wasn't touched by your dad. It still has some semblance of order. Amanda's room is very pink. Her four-post bed is still there, and still made. Her dresser is there, but it's empty."

Reuben set everything down. He returned to my car, and brought in a brown leather satchel with a zipper. It was two feet long, maybe fifteen inches wide, and a foot tall. Inside was a plastic bag.

"This was sitting right in the middle of your sister's bed."

"Set that aside. Give it to Amanda tomorrow, when she gets here."

Helen picked up Reuben.

Mom showed me to a bedroom.

"For the first eighteen months they were married, Josh and Amanda lived here, with me. This was their room. When they moved out, I bought that bed for my grandkids to sleep on. Hannah uses it for her nap on Thursdays."

After two days in the same clothes, a hot shower and a night's sleep were all I could think about. Before I did that, I called Bryce to tell him about my dad.

He told me, "I just got off the phone with Reuben. I want you to take a few days off. Keep me informed, and let me know if you need anything."

That night as my head hit the pillow, I pondered how my arch-enemy, the one person I feared, had become my best friend.